angledangles

2005-05-11T01:24:00.000-07:00

if anyone noticed, this blog died awhile ago. apparantly some time in february. february 24th of 2005 to be exact. adieu.

how i obviously stopped caring

2005-02-24T16:26:00.000-08:00

i had a very frank experience with my voice teacher just now copping out on his voice studio. as of right now there are approximately 12 or so people sitting in a stuffy hot room listening to an out of tune steinway and sons grand piano accompanying the various students of the martell studio. currently i am sitting in my room doing absolutely nothing. but at least i am doing absolutely nothing on my accord. it makes me very happy.

the manner in which i "copped" out was pretty blatantly obvious. at exactly five (which was the predetermined time i planned on leaving for "my reasons") i began to gather my things for this infamous exodus. as martell saw me gathering my things he asked me if i wanted to sing. i promptly responded with a "no" and then added, "but if sabrina sings i'll play for her". this was the whole tomato deal. and so i played. and so i left 15 minutes after "i had to really really go". martell commented something on how one day he plans on getting me to sing for one of those things and i snorted and thought to myself, fat chance. then i left.

my indifferent behavior would probably be more justifiable if i was actually practicing for my impending piano audition that will take place in a week at 9 am. if that was the case i really wouldn't have to care about my future in voice. maybe i should study some theory. maybe i should get a new major.

2005-02-18T13:33:00.000-08:00

i wrote some poetry last night. it sucked. watched american splendor last night. it was splendid. i felt even more insignficant about my life than i had before. got an 87 and a 95 on my piano makeup exams. this averages to a B with the seven point grading system. i woke up in my aural class today to realize that i had no idea what was going on. nor did i care. i feel as if i've died but i still have to keep on living in this dead zone. if you call that life. it's gotten better. i'm more accustomed. the serverity of miserable no longer pushes me to vehemently fight. i just exist. a very very empty shell kind of existence. i've said it before but i'll say it again with complete resignation: milquetoast.

am i even awake right now?

2005-02-15T11:38:00.000-08:00

i can't explain today.i have no clear comprehensions of any of today's events. perhaps the only words to describe it would be stupor and snow. i slept in a stupor. i threw some shoes at my snoring roomate during the night in a stupor. i got three hours of sleep in a half-awake stupor. i got out of bed in a stupor. i looked at the blizzard outside in a stupor.for ten minutes. i walked to class in the snow in a stupor. i took a test in a stupor. i looked at the snow and drank some coffee in a stupor. i watched some kid practice for his piano senior recital in a stupor. i sat in class looking out the window at the snow in a stupor. i walked to lunch in the snow in a stupor. i stared out the window looking at snow in a stupor. while eating. i realized i haven't gone to school in the last week. i am so behind. but i have no idea what's going on because i'm in a constant stupor. i think i'm going to practice piano. in a stupor of course. i have no idea what's going on today. snow. stupor. do people exist here? where the fuck am i? my room... right... in greeley.... god.... someone help me. i need a stiff drink. at least then i'll be in a sloppy stupor in the snow.

monday. is. gross.

2005-02-14T13:03:00.000-08:00

today is the 14th day of the second month in the two thousand and fifth year since the birth of christ. or the coming era whichever you prefer. both refer to jesus existing so i figure folks should be able to handle the shortened acronym, but you know! whatever freak-ass-political-correct-anal-retentive people.... this has nothing to do at all with i wanted to talk about... i apologize....

i sat down for lunch at tobey kendel today. i went ahead of my choir companions to get us a table. i sat down and started eating. after a couple of minutes i looked around and i realized that for the time being i was a girl eating alone at the cafeteria. this breaks every norm of typical social conduct. i was shocked at the response i was getting from a couple of people around me. one kid from my hall gave me a sympathetic look of pity and i smiled back. why the hell should i care? even if i was eating alone i should be able to do as i damn well please. eventually though the minutes slowly wrenched by and i became suddenly aware of myself and incredibly anxious for my companions to join me. by the time they did my silently inquisitive audience had left, and no one knew for the better. dorm life is a combination of assisted living and middle school social ethics. miserable.

my dad has a pretty interesting column titled dick bites on this weird site where i still have yet to figure out its agenda. this week's column was titled Val In Tard's Day. it's basically just about dating as a middle aged man in suburban america. it's a little autobiographical. but its surprisingly hip for discussing middle aged obscenely obsese women and all that is trite with the scene. it's a pretty original column concerning the context of a the baby boomer generation co-existing outside of the younger X generation (well i guess we're like z now or something aren't we) explicitly recounting the bizarre emotional sexcapades of desperate housewives. it's pretty out there. then i realized that this was my dad and i was pretty proud. somehow i feel that explains a lot about me. i'm probably even more toned down.

well anyways, today is valentine's day. happy valentines day to all of you whom i love dearly and always! you're the best valentines a girl could ask for.

oxygen = bliss

2005-02-12T03:33:00.000-08:00

i found a new high today in the labyrinths of boulder's odd end hidden shops: the oxygen bar. who would have thought that such lovely euphoria would come from concentrated air through plastic nose tubing and overstuffed sofas in dimly lit rooms? lovely. another beneficiary of oxygen is that it's apparantley incredibly good for you. high levels of pure oxygen in the body alleviates the buildup toxins and other impurities put in our bodies due to environment, smoking or whatever. it can help reduce the risk of cancer and other forms of human maladies. i suppose that anything helps reduce cancer and anything causes cancer, but not anything can't hurt. when leaving the bar the world was clearer, beautiful, pristine, and perfect. shenni and i walked out like newborns onto pearl street. i could see every single detail on the stone beneath in me and every single speck of bark in the trees above me. my senses weren't altered to the point of paranoia and i didn't think i was capable of flying off of high buildings either. it was a good fade. the world was still what it was as it was. just nicer.

shenni brought up the interesting conjecture concerning people in pre-pollution times. did they always breathe like we just did for 20 minutes for twelve bucks a pop? were they this happy? was the world this beautiful to them? i suppose in all honesty judging by history's accounts, for the most part, many of the working/lower class didn't exactly get to smell life's roses under hierarchal oppression. so, did people a) really suffer more inspite of concentrated oxygen intake? or b) has history misconstrued the actual psychological reprecussions of these peoples? either people suffered absolutely deplorable conditions or accepted their lot in life on a placid oxygenated level. i know i couldn't think of a straight answer with the haze of o2 in my veins. i believe it would have been difficult for any heavily oxygenated erudite to contemplate.

we also contemplated the validity in religious science. (the crazy church that pays shenni obscene amounts of money for an hours of worth of the same three repeated songs every weekend). they argue that if your mind is in the right place in the universe, you are on the same wave paths of God. this is how you get prime parking spots. upon entering pizza colore we found ourselves in the presence 28 young,attractive, intelligent, athletic, polite, and well-behaved men gathered for some elite athletes honor dinner. we were the only women save for two much much older adult women heading the event. we were in heaven. good luck like that never happens. only under the combined magic of oxygen and boulder's wonderful mystique can this happen. and maybe, just maybe we were on the same wave paths with GOD. i'm aiming for those parking spaces next.

i realized it's a good thing i live an hour away from this oxygen bar. the setting of the bar, the effects of the oxygen are just all so enticing. i can see this becoming the equivalence of an opium-esque like addiction. i figure once a week will do.

jesus gah!!!

2005-02-11T13:31:00.000-08:00

all i want to fucking do is take a fucking nap. for 15 fuckin minutes. my fucking roomate is fucking watching the absolute idiotic mind numbing babble of television. i am going to FUCKING BURST!!!! i'm sick too and i can't even sleep in my OWN FUCKING ROOM. fucking christ. fucking FUCKING CHRIST.

the doctor's results are in

2005-02-10T16:00:00.000-08:00

i have a viral infection. i have to wait 7 to 10 days for my body to take care of it. without medication. i've never wanted strep so much before in my whole life. too bad that the rest i need so badly is inhibited by a strep diseased person sleeping five feet away. too bad that the room has an unusual smell of sick person and cooked food. ah christ. christ. whoopee. i love being sick. at least i made the nurse laugh when i told her so. yea. ha. ha.

six feet under sex and the city.

2005-02-10T13:48:00.000-08:00

i think i have contracted strep from my roomate. yesterday was the first absolute lazy school day i indulged in the presence of my wheezing roomate (i was helping her of course). i watched six hours of sex and the city, absentmindedly took an open book online test in which i received a 70 percent, (yea... i think folic acid would help with liver cancer, hell if i know, hell if i'll look that up! manolos.... aaaah...) due to lack of attention and didn't do any of my theory homework. i am ashamed. i haven't skipped out so blatantly on homework like that since sophomore year in high school. a large part for the inattentiveness is probably due in some part to my my roomate's discovery of sex and the city (hence many seasons are being mailed through netflix to the dorm) and my own discovery of six feet under. i've become incredibly attached to both shows. the fantasy/bizarreness of these alternate realities are proving to be so much more interesting than my own. too bad i am committing academic suicide. probably sitting in a small poorly ventilated room with a person with strep wasn't a good idea either. i'll probably just have to cut down to an occasional episode of six feet under to maintain some academic and health status quo. c'est la vie.

2005-02-09T13:28:00.000-08:00

my roomate has strep. my other roomate snores like a beast. this room is an incubated cesspool of germ infestation. i have a bad cough. i am severely fatigued. i am getting 89's on my theory assignments. this angers me. i want to go shopping. i have a sickness. i have to start making a shitload of money. somehow. mary kay? too bad i hate the god damn forsaken woman. i should leave this room but i'm too tired to do anything but to sleep. sleep... i'm so tired that i don't even know if i spelled roomate correctly. i don't feel like i did..

psycho psycho

2005-02-07T21:43:00.000-08:00

tonight i made a nice epiphany. we were on the roof of frasier contemplating life and enjoying the neutral skyline of greeley. it's nice up there on the roof looking over the horizon of trees and light polluted sky. we like to think that we could be anywhere, new york, london, anywhere but here. shenni then received a call from one of her auxilliary admirers. we discussed how these admirers are nice to have as a constant ego booster. they are those guys that are in love with you but don't have a chance. you're nice to them because you're somewhat obligated and secretley you like to keep them around as collateral or backup for emotionally desolate times. up until this year i use to have many of these admirers. now, that doesn't go to say that they aren't completely infatuated psychos but they were still there. in greeley i have none. and i realized it's because fundamentally speaking i attract psychos. greeley stock is too bland to foster any psychoses in people. they're just nice one dimensional people. i'm not sure if i should be happy or upset about this fact. i'm not really sure what to make of my life right now here. every fucking day here. and, i realized that i attract either introverted nerdy engineer types or just plain psychos. there's something wrong with me. and that's fine, i'm willing to accept that. but there's something more wrong with me being here. every fucking day.

mother tongue

2005-02-05T13:16:00.000-08:00

english wasn't really my first language. it was a combination of chinese and english that first formulated the cohesive word structuring formulated in my impressionable brain. when i was four and lived in hong kong for three months i spoke it fluently. i then came back to school and excelled in the english language. sometimes i wonder if this is a reason why i'll stutter every now and then. i wonder if my brain is still skipping some cognitive groove filled by its chinese counterpart trying to compute.

i wrote an email to my mom in response to one she sent a month ago. i was cleaning out my mailbox filled with self-help-inspirational-female-empowerment bullshit from my mary kay sales director when i found an email from my mom that i had forgotten about. i realized i haven't thought much about her since she left. it hasn't really saddened me nor delighted me in any way. it just is.

i wrote to her about my life, life in greeley, life in general. it was a simple discretion into my life in the last four months. and i realized that the basic events and thoughts of my life could be packaged into four pleasant paragraphs. this pleasant packaging is probably all that my mom will ever know of me. but this is ok for both her and me. it is the extent of our relationship. i realized that she was a good mother and that i loved her. i don't resent her, and i bear no emotional baggage lashed out for my mother. in spite of myself or her i turned out relatively functional in society. maybe that's all a chinese parent can ask for.

i'm definately in an existentialist nihilistic world. the world is as it exists now. sometimes there is nothing more to ask for.

bliss in boulder

2005-02-03T01:10:00.000-08:00

went back to boulder. it was a pleasant evening divided by family and the trident. we went to the chings and enjoyed an off-the-cuff pizza dinner, went to my home and enjoyed the brief but wonderful company of my dad and sister. my dad financially saved my ass from serious money issues with some well placed bills in my hands. my dad is a wonderful magical man. we then went to shenni's house and enjoyed the pleasant company of her family. she did not enjoy parts of that, but i enjoyed watching over a cup of organic apple juice. of course no night in boulder would be complete without enjoying a cup of rooibos at the trident. splendid. people watching intellectuals, being people watched by budding and accomplished novelists... the environment is ideal for any anguished mind looking for piece of mind.

walking back to my dorm with a large awkward box in my hand a girl opened the door while i was a few feet from the door. i yelled at her to hold it open but she cooly ignored my plea and proceeded by letting the door slam shut within inches of my grasp. i then had to set down the box and figure out the awkward procedure of setting the box down pulling out my id card and sliding it through the heavy security wooden doors and get my box back up in within the 15 second time-span. the process took about 4 minutes and it would have been considerably less if that stupid bitch had just held the fucking door open. welcome home.

post REM

2005-02-02T09:35:00.000-08:00

mornings are often a very difficult time for me to be up and functioning with the peoples of day society. it's a different breed. my mind is often still reeling from the cycles of alternate worlds and universes created by my incredibly active psyche. i dreamed about mary kay the woman, she was haunting me, i dreamed that my mom ended up marrying my friend's asshole dad. the girl who was a close friend didn't even call to mention we might be step-siblings as she lives in new york. and for some reason this morning when taking a shower i fell into a half stupor involving my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend in seattle. i don't even dream about tyler anymore. i haven't for a long time. i hope that eventually i can stop dreaming about andrew too, but i think the hurt that i don't deal with in the day is something that my psyche digresses, spews, and churns in my sleep. i hate the mornings. it's the intermediary bridge to my clearer more clairvoyant state of mind that resides in night. i just want to figure out what the hell i'm going to do with my life and get the hell out of here. someone someone save me.

if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all

2005-02-01T10:35:00.000-08:00

in lieu of my last entry about bitching constantly about people... i really don't have anything nice to say. so i don't have much to say. it's early morning and i am disgruntled and angry. it's actually 10:30 but i'm still disgruntled about being up. i plan on reading another book today. maybe i'll just end up reading a book everyday. i wish i was finding beauty in the world. i wish that there was a light at the end of the tunnel through the rite and passage of age's wisdom. but i'm realizing that people can be fucked up at any age. great. what a great coming of age realization.

i realized that maybe i should stop being civil to people that i don't like. people mistake dry monotony as friendliness. this is wrong. i am only going through the motions. in reality i don't care.

2005-01-31T01:35:00.000-08:00

someone is playing the recorder in the dorm. badly. one day i plan on writing a blog where i do not bitch about people that tick me off in everyday greeley living

on that note my roomate is snoring again. this is positively insufferable. i can't handle it anymore. one of these days i'll lose it and either chuck a shoe at her or up and leave and make fort in the lounge. if so, i'll probably never come back.

starbucks: to receive or not to receive an invitation to corporate hell?

2005-01-30T02:41:00.000-08:00

i was "recommended" to work at starbucks tonight. the corporate whore of america! it was more like i was "invited" to an exclusive inner circle of the elitist greeley "hip and happenin' youth". it was as if i was in the 8th grade again and i was being asked to sit at the "popular" table but instead was being asked to work for shit pay and shit hours "with fun people!". much like the proposition i received in middle school i will most likely decline the offer "gracefully". the ideal of the glamour is only slightly appealing when compared to the nauseating act i must do to hold steady conversation with such people. i am not a "oh. my. fucking GAWD!" kind of a girl. i am an "ohmyfuckinggodyoufuckingasshole" kind of girl, but i wasn't the former kind of girl in middle school nor am i that girl in college. some things don't change.

the two baristas on duty tonight were my flaming friend who was in school for the first two weeks of school before dropping out "for a semester" and the somewhat attractive barista i decided to be in love with for a night before realizing his inability to carry an intelligent conversation. they were discussing the starbucks party that was held the other night and were gossiping about two enlightened souls "that stuck out like sore thumbs". they wanted people that were of "the crowd". clearly, i would be a great addition to "the crew". they told me they didn't even look at the application except for the references. i had great references. it just goes to show, it's who you know not what you know. apparantley i fit the profile. this disgusts me.

i realized that this general misconception happens to me a lot. i look the part, dress "uniquely", and am not "socially awkward". apparantley i appear to be an outgoing, popular A-list kind of girl. really, i'm just a good actress. a damn good one if i need be. this helps me bide the time as shortly as possible. i only appear socially comfortable in strange parties or social situations because i'm incredibly uncomfortable and cover with that with "social grace". however, it only lasts for so long because my heart is never in it and usually i stop talking and become silently belligerent towards people. people would never guess that i'm an avid bookworm and incredibly reclusive. this is why i'm attracted to loners. i secretly am too, except no one cares to acknowledge that however blatantly obvious i make it. lately i don't even try to be civil anymore. they do not notice. they see me as they want to, and i cannot seem to do anything about it. i have no desire to be "popular" in the conventional sense at all. i went through the middle school drama envy complex already. i am over it. it is done. people can be truly ignorant.

the wheels on the bus should have popped and killed us in a freak accident.

2005-01-28T19:19:00.000-08:00

i just got back from CMEA. how completely and thoroughly exhausting. drove for three hours, performed, got in a car accident with ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend, drove back to hotel, and then drove three hours back to greeley. had to put up with listening to the insufferable cock talk of a particular sophomore hot shot talk about a)how his voice rocks b) him demonstrating his voice by singing the entire goddamn repetoire of jesus christ superstar c) talking about how men know when women fake their orgasms. topic c went on for far too long and i wanted to throw the book i was desperately trying to focus on and yell, "shut the fuck up about your impotent penis. every girl you've fucked has probably faked her climax so SHUT THE FUCK UP". i unwisely was in the back and began to tear when these idiot grad students milled around and wouldn't get off the bus. i almost lost it. i am probably most definately classified anti-social now in the choral department. i don't care. i almost lost my sanity. and i'd rather not keep company with people whose discussions center around their egos. constantly.

histrionics: a delusional female suicide attempt

2005-01-27T14:22:00.000-08:00

apparantley half the floor was up all night tending to the hysterical rantings of a girl threatening to kill herself. amanda was drunk, she was depressed, she had her heart broken by an awful boy who used her sex as a means of "playful love" and left her destitute and hoplessly alone. she wanted to jump out the window. they had been dating for two weeks.

there were many things that went through my mind upon hearing this:
1) who the fuck is amanda?
2) who the fuck are kyle, cameron, ryan, rachael, dominique, john, and heather helping her last night? (they are allegedly my neighbors. allegedly. apparantley.)
3) who the fuck would kill themselves over a two week relationship? (this relationship was quoted by sources as only a "friends with benefits" relationship. she is also reportedly clingy.)
4) who the fuck would kill themselves out of the second floor in a three story building?
5) why the fuck didn't anyone do anything about this ealier? (she apparantley has a history.)
6) what. the. fuck.

the news made me very sad on many levels. i have had very close beloved people to me make attempts on their lives. i have truly cherished friends that have lost parents, siblings, and their friends in suicide. this is a very serious issue. it's the worst possible death imaginable. suicide destroys lives, families, and friends far beyond the given party. premature death is hard enough to deal with. suicide makes it a whole lot worse. it's ineffably tragic. i have very mixed feelings about it. in most cases i am saddened beyond belief: a person ending their life in angst believing there is nothing more to live for. and then there are people who have no idea what real suffering is and deal with miniscule setbacks by saying life is worth no more. my grandpa used to say that if you could get a room full of people together in a circle, put their problems in the middle, and hear their life stories, you'd take yours back in a second. people should really try to know the full extent and range of misery before they decide to end their own.

i tried to think about why this girl would want to kill herself and i realized that the underscoring theme in this account would be: emotional disenfranchisement. lately i have realized the real reasons i have desired a romance in my existence here in greeley. there is no romance in life here. a conventional romance seems like the most obvious compensation for everything that lacks in vitality. this is why people get married so young here. love is the only real "tangible" emotion they can experience. and that is enough to suffice. however, in my mere 18 years of experience, i think that living life first can be the only way to fully experience the true intensity in love's intangible and ethereal qualities. otherwise what else are you living for? what experience, what knowledge do you bring to a life-long love? deep down, i like to be believe i'm emotionally stable enough to survive without a romantic interest. it would just be nice topping on the cake. and for christ's sake i'm 18! there is enough love from my friends and family, however few and far they are scattered throughout the country. yes it's cliche, but this is why you let the people that you love know that you love them and why. you never know how much it means to a person. what it does for emotional independence to not have to be dependent. it's typical classic text book explanation of girl looking for love from her father. or lack there of.

i hope this amanda is ok. i realize that the tone of today's entry is vastly different from yesterday's. yes, people will be assholes, even the ones that you thought were the closest and would never distance. but the good ones stay. in the end it's all that really matters.

p.s. as a foreclosure i would like to apolgize for the sentimental cliche suicide talk that always occurs concerning the topic. but i guess there is some truth in the words of a cliche. like unoriginal people could find new truths in original statements.
p.s.s. also i apologize if the title is somewhat inappropiate for the tone of the entry. i'm still ticked off that this girl was going to jump out of a window and most likely end up with a sprained ankle more than anything else. apparantley these attempts have occured often. christ.

2005-01-26T16:52:00.000-08:00

i have a very difficult time conceptualizing how my days go by. i seem to be always busy. with school. ew. i woke up, went to class, went to concert choir, went to lunch, went to practice, three hours of practicing later i was walking back to snyder when i realized i had a class at that exact time in gunter as i walked by. after wildly demanding what day it was and what time to some bewildered passerby on the street i decided to go to class. i sat down for approximately five minutes but thought to myself, "fuck it" and left. i was poorly prepared with no materials except for my piano music and am fearing that i may be developing carpal tunnel. my hands hurt like hell. i was also just informed that one of the people i'm accompanying will be performing at 4 40's next month. no worries, now i just have to play in front of the entire voice department. that's not stressful, my audtion's not coming up or anything. i also don't have to learn nine songs for this one person who's auditioning for the manhattan school of music on top of the other three people (12 pieces) i'm accompanying for on top of trying to master this god damn forsaken mozart. i'm not stressed. oh yea. no big deal.

concert choir has a concert in colorado springs this friday. my ex-best friend and ex-boyfriend go to school there so i figured that out of the goodness of my heart i would invite them. apparantley the girl who is rooming with my ex-best friend and now currently dating my ex-boyfriend wishes to come as well. i knew her in high school. she hung out with my ex-boyfriend and i while we were dating. it's not like i was replaced or anything. nah or course not. and it's not like this ex-best friend didn't not talk to me the whole summer. apparantley she's been emailing people telling them that she wished she could be friends with me and that i'm a much better friend than her current roomate could ever be. everyone knows except for me. oh sure, i wasn't replaced, and completely neglected by the people closest to me. apparantley only after completely ignoring me do people realize, huh, we were pretty good friends huh? wow, you're great, sorry i treated you like shit for half a year. can we be friends? this is something that happens a lot to me for some reason. i'm so fucking glad that i'm expendable. i just like to believe that i was worth more than the girl these people replaced me with. unfortunately nothing changes the feelings that one develops after being ignored for that long either. i just wanted to see these people and be somewhat cordial. in a civil way. not deal with seventh grade drama. this is stupid. getting calls from everyone but the involved parties doesn't help. i'm so fed up with everyone. hey, it's not like i'm bitter or anything. it's not like i don't have 14 hour school days or anything. it's not like i have all this fucking time to think about this stupid shit. christ.

Iraq vs. Mariah Carey

2005-01-26T01:33:00.000-08:00

apparantley mariah carey has a new cd. i wasnt aware that she still existed in the music world. last i heard was that her record label of 10 years booted her after her failure of the "butterfly" album. you would think that this multi-million disaster would learn something after shamelessly flaunting her penthouse mansion wearing scantily clad lingerie between five costume changes for an episode of mtv cribs. what a camera whore. how scandalous. her album also just sucked. not that i heard it but the single was enough for me to steer clear.

i learned of the new album through aol's internet news flash on it's main board. a picture of mariah carey popped up headlining: "hear samples of mariah's new album! back and ready!" this was soon succeeded by a picture of 56 year old american hostage in iraq pleading for his life. there is really nothing to say about the level of disgust i feel for the culture through media in this nation. pure disgust.

today i had an interesting talk with my voice teacher. i went in to apologize for missing my lesson yesterday. i spaced the time and came half an hour later. he then proceeded to ask me if i had sung at all over the break. i promptly replied with an honest no. i didn't sing at all. a couple of times in the shower and in the car but it was really nice to not have to hear my voice for a month straight. he then asked me if i was double majoring in piano BME. this was a little delicate. i then let him know that i was planning on auditioning for a BA in the piano school. he asked me why and i told him the long list of reasons why i wanted to, and he told me i was being very practical. i think he approved. and he said that he thinks i have a voice in there but i'm "just such a TOTAL beginner".

we then proceeded to discuss greeley culture and the reasons that he is not coming back next year.he came from new york to replace a teacher that retired here as a personal favor. he hates it here. he hates the racism, the culture (or lack of), and the ignorance. he talked about how people know nothing better and accept their lot in life on a rotted platter. he has no friends. some people are nice but they can't really relate to him, nor can he to them. a lot of people are mean. or others ask him if he's a mexican. he's sick of the non-diversity, the disenfranchisement and bias towards minorities, and he's REALLY sick of the smell. i found out we have a lot in common. he said that there is not life. this is not a life to live. there is actual life out there. we talked about the young engagements rampant here, the people that grow up here, the people that stay here for the rest of their lives... he encouraged me to leave. it was a nice affirmation to hear from a respected musician who has seen a lot of this world. more of it than i have. it was nice. i don't have to like greeley. it really does suck. i'm fine. i don't have to compromise my moral character as a minorty in the masses. i don't want to. i don't think i can. this place is desolate devoid of anything vibrant in life. and it's not just some miserable disallusioned freshman that thinks it. that's fine.

many of my friends have moved on in their college lives. they have begun new lives that have nothing to do with me anymore. this is fine. i do not wish go back to high school. and, i am incredibly happy for them. it's important to move on and not look back. enjoy high school for what it was... but don't hang on to the past. i feel that i'm in limbo. waiting for life to begin but knowing that i cannot, don't want to, and will never be able to go back. i wouldn't want to anyways. but i would like to move on somewhere. anywhere. as long as it's not a greeley-esque scene. maybe i'll move to spain. people that understand the power of a siesta are a highly more sophisticated and evolved species.

how people suck

2005-01-25T01:14:00.000-08:00

tonight was a very unsettling and infuriating night. i have just come back from a two hour study session that really should have been half an hour. it was the same music lit and styles crew that in spite of suffering through last semester with last minute completion of papers, studying, and projects miraculously passed sufficiently with B's. tonight was much much worse. my friend and her incredibly vapid roomates took up about 3/4's of tonight's conversation concerning their vapid stories about their vapid lives. "oh yaaa, we were sooooo tanked." i realized that last semester i found this meaningless banter somewhat amusing. i have nothing against substance abuse seeing as how i partake in the scene as well and conversation was always easy because it solely existed on the incidents that took place the inebriated night before. "oh yaaaa sue you were soooooo trashed, let me tell you what jill did". there were always new adventures, so there was always new conversation to talk about. i took these friendships with a grain of salt as i figured that these really were nice girls. just different. i realized that i must be more accepting because i'm probably not going to find more like-minded people. but then tonight, while sitting on the couch for an hour listening to the mind numbingly idiotic stories of these girls ridiculous escapades while congratulating each other on their ostentatious burping and flatulating, i realized that i wanted little do with their company. after a couple of weak feigned smiles i stopped completely and gave up any attempts for a lame attempt of being amiably sociable. i thought, why am i so difficult? why am i so anti-social, why can't i just smile and have fun with these.... people. but then i thought, according to christianity nice, good-meaning, peaceful people can go to hell while rapists, murderers, bigots, liars, and hypocrites are offered passage into heaven. under the right circumstances of redemption of course. but i figure, if God can be so fickle and demanding, why the hell can't i?

i don't know why greeley has turned me into such a hardened asshole. i would just rather not talk to anyone sometimes so as to cut the losses of being let down. people have been a serious let down. perhaps my expectations are too high, but nearly everyone i've met in greeley has in some way been disappointing. i don't even care to smile or make small talk anymore. and i think i just wrote off the few people i socialized with up here. this is a dangerous exposure that will probably put me farther into this most likely self-destructive reclusive and anti-social state i am spiraling down.

beautiful people... WTF.

2005-01-24T14:07:00.000-08:00

today after concert choir a couple of members and i had a stimulating conversation on the topic of beautiful people over lunch. i'm not going to lie. it was incredibly disconcerting. in boulder there are beautiful people. they are superhuman. they are beyond mere average beauty. they are active, intelligent, unique, cultured, rich, and have firm bodies on display for the average passerby in an afternoon jog. with the boulder axiom of such physical splendor as the norm, attractions are no longer contingent with hot vs. not so hot, and instead depend on moderate liberal, liberal, or marxist socialism party affiliations. even if they're not physically the most attractive, their interests, hobbies, and personalities makes up for far more. whatever floats the political candor boat. there is much diversity and selection, and it just so happens that with personality diversity there is an all encompassing reality of simply good looking people. greeley.... not so much. molly and i have discussed the classification of greeley beauty and that would be simply: sausage hot. however i was informed that apparantley girls in greeley would do very well in iowa. and i thought, who the fuck would live in iowa? brian and i discussed that if there are cool interesting people in greeley we don't know about it because they go to denver, or boulder in their free time. much like we do. like-minded people gravitate towards like-minded geographical places. on some level i realize that i live in the united states of america and that there are millions of people sharing the exact same mall-culture hick lifestyle that i am in greeley, but for some reason i cannot comprehend much culture in places other than new york, philadelphia, LA, boston, chicago, new orleans, portland!, and boulder. i cannot decide if this is naivity or sheer ignorance.

on that note i have noticed that i have only been attracted to very metrosexual or just homosexual men. i think this is a deep seeded desire to avoid hurt by pursuing the unattainable. my friend's new (and incredibly attractive) romantic interest commented that i was "fucking gorgeous". it is quite possibly the nicest thing a man has said about me in a long time. it is very unfortunate indeed that he is gay. such is the romance of my life right now.

an asian ultra violet

2005-01-23T13:48:00.000-08:00

i plan on dying my hair purple today utilising the natural techniques specified by french heiress isabelle du confresne aka "ultra violet" in her autobiography famous for 15 minutes. after reading the book, i was inspired by the intrepid ingenuity of this warholian superstar in transformation of the wild self. i am bored. i am gray. and there's nothing like emulating a stale and banal glorified vibe of the 60's. others immerse themselves in ferlinghetti, ginsberg, and kerouac while i take the physical manifestations of 60's warholian pop underground culture. it's a phase every "counter culture" youth must follow i suppose. although i have never felt that i qualified as "counter culture" and only recently have i realized that i am perceived as "indie rock". but in reality i like thrift store apparel for its economic advantages and original clothing and i don't like mainstream music because as a "classically trained"musician i think it actually really sucks. poetry, tonality, progressions, quality... everything. and i've been a bookworm since the age of 5 so that's nothing new. apparantley, this is ideal qualification for the indie-rock-counter-culture-youth scene. however, i feel that to claim this identity would be a false one. i'm just weird. with a highly lucrative and imaginative mind that sometimes sees the mothman in the window occasionally. any categorization is completely incidental to what is hip to the hipsters at the current place in time. classification has actually made me lifeless, deprived, and apathetic. i'm scared i'm going to pierce something again.

yea. i'm back.

2005-01-23T02:48:00.000-08:00

URedHatGang: heyDatCasbahQueen17: yo DatCasbahQueen17: i'm fucking wasted WSURedHatGang: whats up WSURedHatGang: haha nice DatCasbahQueen17: i'm just going to put that out there right now WSURedHatGang: haha nice WSURedHatGang: so whats goin on in your world other than the cross fading? DatCasbahQueen17: i just signed the stop ashlee simpson petition. sucks. please god let her die. that's all i can really say. WSURedHatGang: hahaha WSURedHatGang: thats awesome DatCasbahQueen17: you should check that shit out. it just might happen WSURedHatGang: haha i know DatCasbahQueen17: there are already 155,181 signatures. beautiful. WSURedHatGang: haha thats so awesome DatCasbahQueen17: yea what are you up to? WSURedHatGang: watching close encounters with uncultured sheltered people who've never seen itDatCasbahQueen17: oh how fun! tell me more about it WSURedHatGang: haha. have you ever seen this movie?DatCasbahQueen17: no i dont think i have. i don't even know what movie you are talking about. WSURedHatGang: you stupid' WSURedHatGang: oihdskfhsdaf WSURedHatGang: lolDatCasbahQueen17: fuck you. of course i know what the hell you're talking about. jesus christ. WSURedHatGang: haha WSURedHatGang: hehe WSURedHatGang: I LOVE YOU. DatCasbahQueen17: spielberg is not to be fucked with WSURedHatGang: haha thank god! DatCasbahQueen17: how have these peope not seen this movie? WSURedHatGang: country folk DatCasbahQueen17: wow. WSURedHatGang: lol. DatCasbahQueen17: this is why i've come to the realization that the only way to deal with country folk is to get drunk with country folk and hope to god that they don't shoot you to deathDatCasbahQueen17: i'm sittin here trying to sober upDatCasbahQueen17: and i don't feel like passing out eitherDatCasbahQueen17: so i'm just kind of stuck in limbo.WSURedHatGang: hahahaWSURedHatGang: i know that feelingWSURedHatGang: mescalineDatCasbahQueen17: no shit man, how do you like that shit?WSURedHatGang: its fuckin good, you done it?DatCasbahQueen17: nah man i haven'tDatCasbahQueen17: what are the health side affects?WSURedHatGang: hell if i knowWSURedHatGang: probably the basicsWSURedHatGang: mind fucks, and organ lossWSURedHatGang: lolDatCasbahQueen17: nah, i'm cool with mind fucksWSURedHatGang: lolDatCasbahQueen17: just no holes in the brain is all i ask forWSURedHatGang: me tooDatCasbahQueen17: why the hell else would i do it if it weren't for the mind fucksDatCasbahQueen17: fuck yeaDatCasbahQueen17: yea man maybe i'll try itDatCasbahQueen17: i still have to do shroomsDatCasbahQueen17: and absintheDatCasbahQueen17: ah yeaDatCasbahQueen17: that's the shitWSURedHatGang: absinthe is funWSURedHatGang: i didnt get all hallucinatey though i just got really drunkDatCasbahQueen17: really?!?WSURedHatGang: you done the cokey cokey yet?DatCasbahQueen17: man it's all about the hallucinationsDatCasbahQueen17: ah manWSURedHatGang: lolDatCasbahQueen17: i'm scared shitless of cokeWSURedHatGang: whyDatCasbahQueen17: i try to stick to "literary" drugsWSURedHatGang: crack badDatCasbahQueen17: cuz i'm a fucking nerdDatCasbahQueen17: this is trueWSURedHatGang: haha no worriesDatCasbahQueen17: coke is betterWSURedHatGang: heroin badWSURedHatGang: acid badWSURedHatGang: coke...not so badDatCasbahQueen17: yea if i had to choose it would definately be cokeDatCasbahQueen17: heroin sounds amazing but i'd probably have to pass tooWSURedHatGang: i dont like shroomsDatCasbahQueen17: yea? no good eh?WSURedHatGang: i dont do with psychadelicsDatCasbahQueen17: yea, i've been re-evaluating weed evenDatCasbahQueen17: i get paranoidWSURedHatGang: yea me too most of the timeWSURedHatGang: i do ok latelyWSURedHatGang: just get munchies like a mother fuckerDatCasbahQueen17: i read everyone's negative thoughts instead of the postivieDatCasbahQueen17: yea same hereWSURedHatGang: and get giggly, but then i dont get really ripped anymoreDatCasbahQueen17: yea weed and me might have to take a hiatusWSURedHatGang: just like share a j with someone, or smoke a bowl with a few peopleWSURedHatGang: haha i never thought youd say thatDatCasbahQueen17: which is sad cuz i jsut got a new pieceDatCasbahQueen17: yea i fucking know man!DatCasbahQueen17: this is me!DatCasbahQueen17: MISS mary janeWSURedHatGang: hahaDatCasbahQueen17: and i wanted to at least color in my new pieceDatCasbahQueen17: but maybe it'll have to waitWSURedHatGang: lolWSURedHatGang: thats awesomeDatCasbahQueen17: i don't know manWSURedHatGang: hahaDatCasbahQueen17: i might lose a lot of connections with this WSURedHatGang: dont give up hopeDatCasbahQueen17: im definately a known regularDatCasbahQueen17: people might freakDatCasbahQueen17: i just have einstechtDatCasbahQueen17: and itDatCasbahQueen17: is heightened to the infinite degree when stonedDatCasbahQueen17: in all the bad waysWSURedHatGang: thats shittyWSURedHatGang: but you'll survive, you're a tough one, and smarter than meWSURedHatGang: so you should be ok...i think you could handle itDatCasbahQueen17: yea it'll probably be better for meDatCasbahQueen17: i don't need the superfluous negative energyDatCasbahQueen17: alchohal treats me all rightDatCasbahQueen17: like right nowDatCasbahQueen17: alrightWSURedHatGang: understandable, but eventually alcohal turns into a far more dangerous drug than anything elseWSURedHatGang: your whole digestive tract is fucked, your brain, tongue, mouthDatCasbahQueen17: i knowDatCasbahQueen17: i have to be carefulDatCasbahQueen17: or i could just go straight edgeDatCasbahQueen17: depend solely on the tempestuous nature of my manic mindDatCasbahQueen17: but that's REALLY a tripDatCasbahQueen17: and kind of scaryDatCasbahQueen17: substance abuse is like quality control sometimesDatCasbahQueen17: who knows what my mind can concoctWSURedHatGang: ok, first of all if you go straight edgeWSURedHatGang: the best form of mind warping would be sleep deprivationWSURedHatGang: and that is dangerous beyond any reckoning...so stick to the mind altering drugsDatCasbahQueen17: well you would knowDatCasbahQueen17: as well as meDatCasbahQueen17: so all is wellDatCasbahQueen17: yeaDatCasbahQueen17: i just have to find the right sensaieDatCasbahQueen17: sensae*WSURedHatGang: lolDatCasbahQueen17: to induct me into these drugs properlyDatCasbahQueen17: you know how it goesWSURedHatGang: yea i know thats what i was thinking find very experimental guyWSURedHatGang: and do exWSURedHatGang: and have SEXWSURedHatGang: it will be the best experience of your lifeWSURedHatGang: rave style, find some underground rave in boulder...they are all over lolDatCasbahQueen17: seeDatCasbahQueen17: i think i have a complex with sexWSURedHatGang: or reallyWSURedHatGang: what all is in this complexWSURedHatGang: you fear it!WSURedHatGang: if you ever get near it dont jeer it its fearlessDatCasbahQueen17: call it penis envy DatCasbahQueen17: call it masculinity fearWSURedHatGang: hahaWSURedHatGang: you fear the reaper?DatCasbahQueen17: i just am fucking ticked that the female virginity is the most empowering and and sensitive counterpart to its male flacidityWSURedHatGang: hahahaDatCasbahQueen17: no jokeWSURedHatGang: thats funny, cause i try not to think of things so basic as sex in such complex waysWSURedHatGang: its sexDatCasbahQueen17: for youDatCasbahQueen17: yesWSURedHatGang: its the basic way of passing on your genesWSURedHatGang: to females it is too when you get down to the basicsDatCasbahQueen17: which is concurrent need in the male psycheDatCasbahQueen17: yea,WSURedHatGang: females...and some males just choose to complicate things since they have been taught to do it since they are youngDatCasbahQueen17: but we have to bear a fucking life form in our fucking uterus for nine months and give birth in the most excruciating humiliating way possilbleWSURedHatGang: females in our society have been taught to fear sex since the days of napolean in britainDatCasbahQueen17: that's full of shitWSURedHatGang: this is true, but dont you think men go through similar pain just in a more long and drawn out wayDatCasbahQueen17: females have been taught to fear sex since the orginial sin committed by adam and eveWSURedHatGang: sacrificing everything for the sake of their wife and childWSURedHatGang: not too much anymore since womens right have kind of made our lives easierDatCasbahQueen17: and "exonerated" men from their responsibilites as fathers?WSURedHatGang: but back in the day, 40 or 50 hour work weeks to keep your family afloat and pay for college and such was never easyWSURedHatGang: exactlyDatCasbahQueen17: is that why so many single mothers exist today?WSURedHatGang: which is why i think its bullshitWSURedHatGang: because of the womens rights movementWSURedHatGang: women were taught it was alright to just bail at the first sign of trouble in the 60'sWSURedHatGang: 80's*DatCasbahQueen17: yea i'm definately one to agree that feminism has sometimes hurt the cause more than anything elseDatCasbahQueen17: but i'm not even talking about a societal levelWSURedHatGang: I'm not saying that some of the shit abusive husbands pulled was as heinous as anything hitler did in world war 2DatCasbahQueen17: i'm talking about the sheer anatomy of sexWSURedHatGang: i knowWSURedHatGang: but society trains our mindsWSURedHatGang: which trains our bodiesWSURedHatGang: which is the anatomy of sexDatCasbahQueen17: well historically speaking wome have always been receptacles of sexual abuseWSURedHatGang: for women childbearing is the pain, for men, working all the damned time has been the source of painWSURedHatGang: both are physically and mentally tryingDatCasbahQueen17: constantine, the old testament, DatCasbahQueen17: women work tooWSURedHatGang: old testament women were evil thoughDatCasbahQueen17: in conventional terms of "child bearing"WSURedHatGang: john the baptist head on a platterDatCasbahQueen17: sure some whereWSURedHatGang: eveWSURedHatGang: everyoneWSURedHatGang: lolWSURedHatGang: except ruthWSURedHatGang: and the ones that chilled with jesusDatCasbahQueen17: but if you look closely they were just as disenfranchised as their 20th century counterpartsWSURedHatGang: and besides, none of those people ever really existedDatCasbahQueen17: used for the sexWSURedHatGang: thats trueDatCasbahQueen17: their*WSURedHatGang: but you also have to take into account the fact that men were trained to only try to work to get laidDatCasbahQueen17: i think the bible is somewhat valid in a highly illuminated account of historical narrativeDatCasbahQueen17: nah, it was already ingrained in their genetics to plant the seedDatCasbahQueen17: to try to impress a female that they were worthy enough to bear seed in their wombDatCasbahQueen17: to seduce them if you willWSURedHatGang: true but its also genetically implanted in the mind of women to give birthWSURedHatGang: lolDatCasbahQueen17: sureDatCasbahQueen17: it all depends in the maternal instinctWSURedHatGang: my mom had a histericmine or however you spell itWSURedHatGang: and she cried for like two weeks cause she couldnt have kids anymoreDatCasbahQueen17: yea it's a big dealDatCasbahQueen17: but logistically speaking she was done bearing kidsDatCasbahQueen17: sometimes the maternal switch can't be turned off thoughWSURedHatGang: and yea, the bible has been an accurate portrail of human historyDatCasbahQueen17: for some women it's never been turned onWSURedHatGang: thats trueWSURedHatGang: but some men never have their needs to spread their dna tooDatCasbahQueen17: yea they proved that the walls of babylon actually did fall outwardWSURedHatGang: look at homosexualityDatCasbahQueen17: exactly, there are anomalies in every species.

this is my life. pretty insignificant. pretty pathetic. a single drop in an infinite span of timed existence. it's mortality trapped in the weavings of frabric in anonymity of humanity. whoopee. my life is so so sad right now.

2005-01-16T02:09:00.000-08:00

i am mad at the blog. too many people read my blog. it is over. for now. it's still cold. in house. this is done. the end.

2005-01-15T13:40:00.000-08:00

i just went outside. it's warmer outside than it is inside. i'm so fucking glad that our house is capable of incubating unreasonable degrees of coldness when you need it the fucking least. fuckity fuck! have i mentioned how i hate the FUCKING cold?!?!

the ice box house

2005-01-15T13:17:00.000-08:00

i have just come out of a 14 hour hibernation slumber. i don't feel very human at this point. the crazy messed up asianess of my slept hair further proves this. our heat is not working for some fated electrical reason or another. i came home last night from the 7 degree weather outside to the 20 degree weather inside my house. it was pretty miserable. cold weather is absolutely miserable. after walking around with two sweaters and a fleece for approximately 20 minutes i decided that a good reading might do some warming to the heart. my dad recommended a hollywood quote book he picked up annotating the stupid, the profound, the catty, the gossip, and more of the stupid things celebrities have said concerning the american royalty of hollywood. approximately after 15 minutes of reading i decided it was too damn cold to read and that a good sleep would take my mind off of the frost congesting my sinuses to point of asphyxiation. at this point it was about 10:30 pm. i woke up from my bed at what i assume was around 4 am seeing as my body had had the sleep it requires after 6 hours. however my mind thought bitterly, "fuck this, i'm going back to sleep" and proceeded to nestle back into the cocoon of the three comforters i immersed myself in. i woke up again at around 12 but stayed in bed for about an hour in fear of the cold imminently waiting outside my bubble of warmth. i finally left only when i knew i would not be able to contain the relief needed from a nearby bathroom. we really are creatures of habits. body over mind. if my mind could have its way it would still be under three layers of down comforting shielding its skinny fat-deprived body from the harsh realities of the cold. fuck the cold. fuck it. and fuck it good. i'm so tempted to move to mexico and end it all right here right now.

thursday i dont' care about you, it's friday i'm in love

2005-01-14T13:43:00.000-08:00

friday. i went to one class today. i slept through my aural skills class. i knew i would. didn't care. last semester inspite of deathy sicknesses, stress, and sleep deprivation i managed to only miss five classes whole. in the first week of second semester i have missed two. i am concerned. there are many reasons that have contributed to why i have been completely unmotivated. my insomnia cramps the unfortunate system of daytime classes that happen in the morning. i have problems with this morning business anyhow. it's worse when i go to bed at 4 am nightly. or daily rather. i also hadn't finished registering which i just did now. i am officially registered in the system. 10 classes 15 credits. a lot of bullshit to start all over again. also another contributing factor would be my spontaneous excursions to boulder throughout the week. why stay in greeley when boulder is only an hour's drive away? greeley's realities melt away like a bad dream as soon as i get on I-25 south. now that i have weened myself into accepting the "yes, i am in greeley" stage i hope i can start up again next week with perfect attendance and giving some form of a shit for these classes. maybe i'll ask for my mary kay id number again and start up my business and fill out those two orders i got. somehow i don't think that 34 dollar order is what my director in sales had in mind for my initial order of 600 dollars. oh lucky fucky christ me.

i am going to boulder tonight again. shenni and i are going to hit up happy hour at happa's. i am so very happy just thinking about this. maybe i'll actually get an eye exam and get some contacts so when i drive during the day i'm not blinded and praying i don't drive off the road. seeing as how for the last month i haven't even seen the light of day the glasses situation has worked out quite nicely. and now after years and years of denial about myopia i have come to full terms accepting my emo glasses identity. who i would even be with out them? can "ang" stand alone without them? it will by far be an interesting change of perception and identity. who cares though when i can start wearing sunglasses again on the road. that will be quite nice. to one pair of eyewear to another. i am hoplessly an accessories addict.

milkman snapshots

2005-01-14T02:38:00.000-08:00

went back to boulder tonight. did the usual ritual of the pearl street mall crawl and trident rooibos. saw the same guy there that was there last time shenni and i ran away from greeley. at least this trip had a purpose: to wish neil a happy birthday at his birthday party. although the hype of booze and drugs circulated before through the party goers turned out to be false, it was still a good gathering of people with only the minimal of substance abuse involved. and, we christened my new piece. it is called serenity. it's a little ridiculous because i feel that this name hearkens a cliche perfume ad, but, you can't do much after you've christened a piece under the purple haze. it is definative in its ultimate finality.

talked about music with other music freaks at the party. everyone feeding and digging off of each other's creative energy and enterprise. one corner is discussing fractals that create the tapestry of the universe, the other is discussing editing techniques in recent albums, ours is discussing the analyzation of music vs. analyzation of literature.... half of the people really know what they're talking about and the other half has no clue. it's interesting to see the geniuses now grown into their creative introversion and turning it into a subculture of cool that essentially now attracts the former "what was cool" in high school. both parties win: dorky boys get "hot blondes", hot blondes get "hot artists". the rest of us that knew these characters in their nerdiest teenage mutant turtles turtleneck days laugh on the inside. who can blame these boys for surrounding themselves with willing women to worship the ground they stand on? us smarter girls won't because we know better. it's good that they move on from what they can't have. we're still decent friends considering.

was truly impressed with max's aphex twin music video. it was 8,000 snap shots comprised to create snapshot movement. it's amazing to watch his technique grown to professional level. he is thinking of sending it to aphex twin to use. he should. it's ingenious. our class produced so many geniuses in the arts. i am excited to see my fellow classmates ten years down the line. they'll be doing successful projects hailed across the nation in their respective talents. i only hope i'm not homeless at this point.

met an anal retentive bullying cop tonight. he tried a variety of intimation tactics to forcibly audit explicit information from poor shaking brian. his attempts were to no avail as the only incriminating evidence was the road cone sitting prominently in brian's trunk. however the real butterflies were churning in mike and mine's stomach with our drug and drug paraphenlia on our bodies. he tried to charm us in a youthful mannerism by using such euphemisms as "damn dawg, hell, and man". he also commented on how he also graduated from boulder high in 94 on which then he stated "man, was that really 10 years ago? man, i'm getting old right buddy?" however it was with no success did he succeed in his failed attempts to "get on our level". there are good cops out there and there are asshole cops who were assholes in high school and realized that they had no other skills but to be assholes and make themselves feel better. so they became enforcers of the law and now bother skinny helpless emo kids and interrogate them as hardened criminals. great. reiterate: asshole.

missed a class this morning. hope i go to class tomorrow. i am concerned for my academia here. i don't want to go to school. in the ideal world i could just sit around and talk philosophy with stimulating people over a cup of tea. however this cannot be so and i must abide by the conventional institution of higher education. sigh.

piano man can

2005-01-13T16:34:00.000-08:00

my first lesson today with dr. haun was to say the least... prophetic.... in more ways than one. upon entering his studio i sat down to test the keys while dr. haun went outside for whatever miscellaneous reasons. when he came back in he started talking to me about where i was from and so forth. for some reason the topic of my parents somewhat recent divorce came up and the concept of "two homes". he responded, "i'm 60 and i have two homes!" i laughed politely in response but had no idea what the hell he was talking about. he did not elaborate on his situation. from there he began discussing the "landmark" education he has been receiving in denver for the last six years where they "teach you things that you didn't know about the things you don't even know you know". from there he began talking about the outer shell and human beings that exist normally abnormally. how we perceive ourselves is the underlying truths that people see plain as day who are close to us. from there he began a diluted reference to your friends seeing you for who you are as plain as day while you yourself perceive a different persona. it was incredibly bizarre considering that brian and i were discussing the perception of self and others perceptions in great detail last night. unfortunately dr. haun is quite in his senior years and kept trailing off mid-sentence before completing his thoughts. by the time he finished one particular spiel he had forgotten why he had begun it. then he remembered the "two homes" and began questioning about my parents divorce. "did i think it was my fault? it was upsetting wasn't it?" from there i told him a story of when i was twelve and wrote an entry in what i thought was my journal "i am only twelve years old but i know that my parents do not really love each other". of course the journal was actually my 9 year old sister's and the accidental misguided entry caused her years of supressed trauma. when i told him that i knew my parents loved me and in no way were we responsible for their divorce he told me that i was an evolved person. staring at him trying to follow the fragmented tangent upon tangent philosophical rants i realized i was staring at a mirror image of myself in 50 years. i was a little frigthened. this conversationtook about half of the allotted time of the lesson.

i decided to play the easiest piece first for dr. haun. halfway through the piece he stopped listening and started reading material from a manilla folder. then the phone rang which was incredibly shocking as it was an old loud obnoxious telephone ring. i hesitated in the prelude and glanced questioningly at him. he answered the phone and told the party on the other line to hold on and beckoned for me to continue. great.i did so finishing the last bars with no finesse playing the ending cadences as quickly as possible. now they could hear my playing too. from there he began talking to this person for awhile. i gathered very little from the conversation until the end where dr haun stated, "no, she's a new student, she plays very well". interesting way of showing it. good thing he hasn't heard the mozart yet.

from there he went into a lengthy lecture of how the pedal works and a very detailed discussion of the overtone series. then we discussed the analytical meaning of the piece and its emotional value. he quoted his landmark education in conceptualizing answers from stating what is already there. he made me discuss the piece in great detail. i secretely wondered how much he pays for this "education in life". i'm guessing that this will not be the last i hear of landmark and their keys to unlocking the mysteries of life. we didn't even get through one piece. i can't imagine going over the 10 page detailed scrutiny of the mozart. i still don't know what the hell he means by the two homes conundrum. it is going to be an interesting semester.

night owl talk

2005-01-13T04:14:00.000-08:00

had an absolutely wonderful lovely night tonight. it was possibly one of the most lovely i have had in greeley. of course, tonight's company did not comprise of greeley stock but instead boulder imports that came to visit us. it was an excellent remedy to the soul. i am happy again. reborn at night to die and fetter a little in the waking hours of day that will dawn in approximately four hours. how unfortunate...

it was an excellent night of social dynamics. i had deep meaningful conversations with every one of the parties present and at the end had an excellent group dynamic as well. i discovered so much about social conciousness through each facet explored in every person. it was wonderful and am i in love with life tonight.

there are really many more revelations i could endeavour into the blog right now, but really, i think i'll have to enjoy the bliss of cloud 9 i am riding rather than try to instill these warm sentiments in the permanence of online blogging. maybe these things will come out incrementally as i find they often do through this form of self exploration. i feel that every day i learn something new about life. while greeley really is, a pathetic place, (a place that maybe i really shouldn't bitch about as constantly as i do), it really DOES suck. but it's been coming back from greeley to boulder and appreciating it in a way i have never before that has completely changed my perspective. it's this new clarity amidst all the world's myopia that gives me something hold on to inspite of greeley's shittiness. yea, all the things i cherish and love in this world about life in aspirations and dreams are really not to be found here. but at least i know with the greatest of convictions those things that i do love and i can hold on to them in their absence.

i plan to ride cloud 9 to bed while my roomate's insufferable snoring is on a temporary hiatus. incredible such a species can make so much noise during its sleep. truly astounding.

i completely butchered the mozart sonata tonight in the impromptu concert i gave my friends tonight. i am officially worried. it was a slaughterhouse. i should stop chronicling my insignificant life and get to a god damn piano more.

rap-a-tap-pop-a-cap

2005-01-12T17:40:00.000-08:00

there is someone in the room above me tapping the most mind-numbingly obnoxious rhythm. i want to kill him. i was just seized by this furious rage that compelled me to vertically project a variety of heavy things toward the ceiling. i vehemently hate that person. and i hope that they die.

the guest

2005-01-12T14:12:00.000-08:00

i realized that there really is no longer any direction to my blog entries. not like there really was before but at least i felt at least somewhat involved with the the things i was writing no matter how miniscule or insignificant. now i'm just completely withdrawn. i'm trying to figure out my schedule for the semester. i scheduled my piano lessons for the same time as intro to lit which is fine seeing as how i already have credit for the class and was planning to drop but i haven't given my schedule a second thought. i want to get all my classes over with now but maybe i just won't because i don't really care.

my roomate was written up last night. they were drinking in the dorms next door to the RA. how completely assinine. this makes for the second strike in less than a week for my conservative christian roomate. ha. that's what you get for being social with idiots.

last night was a decent night as nights go. by pure default nights are better because it is night and not day. we went to starbucks again and experienced the sensual wonders of the chantico, not the chantigo as specified earlier by myself. i talked to the starbucks barista that i decided to fall in love with two nights ago. he offered me a pringle and we talked about the potential in a reality tv series titled "behind the counter: a caffeine story". then he mentioned that he got his ears pierced which is an unfortnate addition to his already attractive countenance. when he mentioned that he was in the army my dreams for romance was brutally crushed and destroyed. romance is dead.

also at starbucks we were met by a very drunken member of concert choir who gave us insight into the simple recipes for happiness. just be happy. i unfortanately had already discovered this revelation in the peaceful zen abode of boulder. now i'm in greeley. i'm not miserable. i'm just apathetic. i'm sure this did not appear so when our drunken friend asked me how old i was and i responded "18 going on 80", however, it was a nice affirmation no matter how much it was not wanted. sometimes we have to happy when we don't want to be. yeay. fucking fuck. i'm so fucking happy.

phantom planet "the guest". ah the memories.

withdrawn

2005-01-11T19:49:00.000-08:00

my room is cold. it is cold and lonely and in want of attention for someone to turn on the thermostat. the reality is that we're all afraid to be in the room in fear of being uncool and loser-ish. there are OBVIOUSLY so much better things to do than be in the room. and besides, if we were all in the room or even just two of us we'd have to make conversation.

nothing has inspired me to write today. pretty atypical. i can see why farm folk talk about the weather. what the hell else is there to talk about. i sketched for awhile in the lounge formerly coined as "the nest" where overflow allowed four disgusting boys to nest in an unsettling stye. it smells pretty decent now considering. big screen. table and some chairs. got sick of tv really quickly. got sick of sketching. sketching is what i do when nothing else interests me. unfortunately i suck at sketching so i get bored of that too. now i remember why i smoked so much weed last semester.

Things that suck about pop culture

2005-01-11T01:29:00.000-08:00

after a long conversation discussing the need to have occupations that involve pure social commentary (or proverbial bitching) here are a couple of things that shenni and i would write in the all encompassing social criticism book of our generation.

cereality
reality TV
grapples
ugg boots
atkins diet
overtatooing meaningless permanent shit on your body
pop punk/hip/coutry and all the lifestyles that surround each genre
pseudo music elitism
Chuck Palahniuk literature
outdated obsession with beat culture
mental hypochondria
bad poetry
poetry slams
che guevarra paraphanelia
blogs/livejournal/facebook/whatever else falls into that category

feel free to add

late and disgruntled

2005-01-11T01:13:00.000-08:00

i am again trying to fight the torrid cycle that consumes my biological clock on the nightly premise. it's 2 am. 2 15 to be exact. but for some reason the blogger time chronicles 1 13. this is an annoying consistency that i battle often with blogger. it's an hour off all the time. i feel a dire need to be chronicled accurately to correctly portray my emotional state of being. it varies drastically by the hour.

i have to be up in 7 hours. considering that the natural cycle of my body expects to be going to bed at around 4 i will be surprised if i wake up at all for the ever dreaded music lit & styles class at 9:30. we have yet to see.

had a rather lovely time at the starbucks enjoying culturally acclamated concoctions such as the new featured chantigo. i believe it will be the new frappacino. it should be. it is deliciously rich. in fact it is the "rich drinking chocolate". asking the incredibly attractive starbucks barista i find that there is indeed much cultural merit to the featured product derivitave of aztec blends and recipes. however i was completely sold when the barista mentioned that it's similar to the chocolate concoctions utilised in the film/novel Chocolat. this automatically elevates itself to the glorified connotation of a "literary food". therefore the flavor is that much savorable.

after enjoying my sensual eye candy visually and taste candy we enjoyed the dismal service and environment of the greeley 24 hour IHOP. after writing an angry email to customer service shenni and i decided that we will have to visit the last 24 hour establishment left in this god forsaken town: kinko's. armed with a cup of starbucks coffee and a plate of IHOP fries i'm sure we can figure something out entertaining.

for now we are in the uc enjoying the company of three other late night souls taking advantage of the almost 24 hour computer lab. i am also writing meaningless abstract stream-of -conciousness-almost-comatose poetry about things that are in front of me. i have truly entered deep insomnia.

back... kind of

2005-01-10T21:13:00.000-08:00

my heart hasn't left boulder. today was a pretty decent first day in greeley, as days in greeley go. i would say that yesterday was my first day but unfortunately i cannot account for that considering i was in town for approximately two hours before shenni and i decided to book it back to boulder. that definately makes for the fact that i really didn't stay here. it should have been a sign when i took ill right before i left. i probably would have vomited anyways because of the strong medication i'm under right now, but really, i vomited right as i was about to grab the keys.

my runaway excursion has caused a slight riff of pandemonium in my family unit. my sister was home when i came to pick up my cd's and lucky brown cardigan (i figured that was as good a reason as any). my dad called concerned when i was still in boulder to ask about my well-being emotionally, i said i was fine, it just smelled too bad for me to be there. he then apparantley called my mother who then called me today telling me that i better not drop out. under no circumstances am i to drop out. like i'd drop out and wander aimlessly into another potential greeley situation jobless and degreeless? no, i'm definately a little smarter than that. i must endure hell and endure hell well if i'm to get anywhere that i want to get. but it was good talking to my mom, she of course tried to lessen my pain by telling me that huntsville was much worse. to that i replied, "does huntsville smell?" upon my mother's reply "well.. no" i immediately retorted "well then greeley's worse then isn't it?". to that card-stacked response she actually had no response. then she commented casually again (like so many times before) on my poor disposition and my "attitude problem" towards the environment and the people to which then i replied "well what can i say, people suck here. that's about it" and for once my mom agreed and replied with a chuckle "people do suck". it was a heartwarming conversation. sad it was formulated over the disheartening topic of my miserable state emotionally, socially, and physically but still heartwarming nonetheless. (speaking of which i have to piss again after pissing only 20 minutes ago, i'm afraid i have another wonderful urinary bacterial infection again. how fucking fucking lovely.) i forget that this milquetoast existence and my unhappiness makes my family sad as well. they just want to see daughter number one make it through life like any other normal parents. with a little luck i'll leave this place with some sanity. and, this is all coming from a fundamentalist pessimist. i can be a happy pessimist, but a pessimist nontheless. it's not that i'll never be happy or see hope in life, i just can't help it. i see the bad in this world a lot more.

on that note, my friend sarah (the hopeful optimist) is really into enneagrams. according to the system i am a classic four: the romantic. when initially hearing the title i grimaced and rolled my eyes at the cliche for describing the archetypal "artist". but i now realize that i am somewhat of a romantic. and this does not relate to roses and candied hearts (which actually i usually inwardly grimace upon reception as well). this relates to romance in life. in boulder i was taken up with romanticism. the foods, the beautiful people, the city, the archeticture, the culture... in greeley there is no romance. it is a gray existence devoid of beauty. people, smell, atmosphere, education everything. in fact, i feel unattractive as a person on whole. there is no spark of colorful life. everyone exists in these fabrications of boxed life. there is no candor to the young engagements that happen rampant here. there is no complication or deeper nuances that make life what it is here. there is no vibrancy here and no future.

on a happy note i'm listening to a really kick ass cd. yeay! i'm a music major woo hoo. i don't want to be a voice major. but i'm fucking intimidated as all hell to be a piano major. christ, i know i have a lot to fucking catch up on since i haven't even played piano for like six years. but ah! intimidating! and i'm glad i comletely made a fool of myself to the head of the piano school.
"i'll be playing mozart in g major by sonata... fuck"
third piece?
"oh yea, that one prelude by chopin"
which one, d minor? b minor? e minor
"um the one with the repetitive left hand progression and simple melody on top?"
this one?
"no not that one.... (aforementioned statement above)"
this one?
"oh yea, the one you were just playing... cool..."

this is fine. i plan on going to starbucks. and reading. and writing. and drinking java. sweet sweet elixir of emotional life made for the manics, the drug addicts, the insomniacs and the repressed in the late hours of night. i am excited.

last call for peace of mind

2005-01-09T02:26:00.000-08:00

tonight was my last night enjoying and absorbing the wonderful world of boulder. i am incredibly apprehensive about my return to greeley tommorrow. i don't know why i'm going back, i feel i will be returning to a hearth of cultural rejection. now honestly, why would i do that? the only thing that's making me go back is the possibility of auditioning for the piano school, better tuned pianos, and this realization that in order to go where i most want to go in the shortest time involves going back to school and getting this over in the quickest time possible. this is quite possibly the best break i have ever experienced. i have finally made inner peace within myself inspite of the outside world (perhaps this is slightly influenced with my selective social company i keep, and hours of isolation practicing piano like a mad fiend), and made strides in finding happiness and beauty inspite of the hardships that come along the way. were these revelations formulated because of my current limbo enviroment, or am i finally to develop a character of stronger strength to prepare for the torrent obstacles greeley has in store? i forsee the events of tomorrow as the beginning stages of war i must wage against greeley's upcoming semester. doing my laundry, packing out, and making the physical efforts to actually move out of here. i only hope i'll survive with some tangible pieces of sanity left. or at least i'm going to hope to not get anxiety attacks at the dining hall again. at least.

one contributing factor to tonight's direction of reflection would be due to ex boyfriend number one (the good one.... kind of) calling me today. we actually had a pleasant conversation which was the second civil encounter we've had since last i cussed him out and hung up on his ever-so-persistant-ass. the secret to this new development lies directly on the conversational omission of his current girlfriend who would most love to see my torso tied and quatered then burned on sticks. i don't blame her. i wouldn't like me either if i was her. and especially if my boyfriend was still calling his ex-girlfriend to reminisce about the good days, the funny stories, the shared dreams, and the broken dreams shattered by the termination of our relationship. it'd be pretty unfortunate. i still believe, and this is with the strongest of convictions, that the chick and i should have a full-out brawl. it would do wonders for her passive-aggressiveness and then maybe with that released outlet she would finally pass some anger on to tyler for stringing on her heart. and yea, i would totally kick her ass inspite her 5 inch vertical gain on me but i just think it would do her worlds of good to get that anger out in blood on a concrete sidewalk. who cares if it's her blood? minor detail. she needs to do it. she needs a catharsis from the ultimate spoiled-upper-middle-class-anglo-angst that she suffers from. i would be more than happy to be the catalyst to help her come to this place. it's good to get out your emotions. anyways... this is all irrelevant. the first topic of interest that came from our civil phone conversation would be the concept of peace of mind. sometimes it's all environment. the hectic hustle and bustle of school can sometimes break the neccessary schedule for self-meditation or hours of introspective reflection. it was an interesting point in argument. i just hope that a month of this will be enough to last me until spring break.

the second topic for tonight broght upon by tyler is the oh-so-ever-cliche censorship. i briefly mentioned my nights involving blog writing and he immediately asked if he could read my blog. jesus christ no. he asks again. very persistant fellow. then he becomes offended that i actually WON'T let him read my blog. he thought that we were closer than that. the last thing i need is my ex-boyfriend voyeuristically reading about the details and daily thoughts of my life right now to complicate the already complicated situation we are in involving the temperamental estrogen of enraged females. shenni was talking about this in her blog, and really, she brings up a good point: where does censorship play into the manifestation of introversion projected on to the world wide web? where is the fine line that crosses from journaling inner thoughts to deep offence to other readers? if there is constant censorship to avoid this what is the point of blogging the blog. the voyeuristic appeal of its frank and candid nature is ruined. yes it's voyeuristic but it can be a good thing when shared with good friends and people that are close to you. and whatever strangers come across this dime a dozen blog so be it. enjoy yourselves. but if i can help it, i'll do my best from keeping tyler out of my personal life in this intimate matter. he used to mention that he wish he knew me as a kid for he felt he missed out on so much of my life... much like how he feels that he's missing out now. maybe i really never WILL know how much he loved me but that's not exactly something that floats in my "moving-on-and-getting-over-emotional-breakups cup of tea. he needs to not be imbedded in my personal life like that. i don't know why, but it freaked me out. i guess that the thin veneer of protective coating i've just been able to build was seriously in danger.

so i feel the tyler content has taken up too much energy and resources to truly chronicle my last night here. hanging out with molly was appropiate to end my last night. she is the quintessence of the wandering inspiration that feeds the creative mind. always excellent company. sometimes that's all you need.

also i realize that the last week of my life has been lived without obligations to work, school, extra-curriculars or anything. just my own interests were the primary focus. i have not had my own time like this since i was 15. it was amazing to realize this: i have actually not had a week purely to myself and my interests since i was 15. unbelievable. i am euphoric. good-bye wonderful boulder.

angry esophagus

2005-01-08T03:24:00.000-08:00

so after healthy lazy living and no smoking or really any abusive substance forced down my throat or lung-al area i have broken the cleansing detoxifying pact with my body with a couple of warm winter toffee cigarettes. my body hates me. just after i had gotten over my cold and worked my voice back to its full feminine range. oh the outrage.

tonight's topic is social prostitution. what creates a social whore, what defines it, am i a social whore? one change that has happened in the olstad household with mother olstad leaving and father olstad moving in is that even though there is still the usual minimal non-descript items in the refrigerator, father olstad has brought in tastier morsels. there's less food than ever because we consume them immediatley upon arrival. i have realized that whatever the stock, there will always be a deficit in the foods department in this household. it is because of this infallible axiom that i have taken to the adopted family program. i have approximately three households i know i can always get a well-cooked gourmet meal. dating is also a usual plus because that ensures about at least a free meal on the week-ends. unless of course you are on a desperate dating hiatus like i am then you can hit up the "long time no see friends" who are sometimes more than willing to shower affection on you with a free meal. such was the case tonight with a friend, who in all goodness of all her intentions i have still found a way to avoid her this break until the unavoidable circumstances of tonight made it impossible for me to do so. the only thing we share in common is good taste in shoes and the same foot size to share the shoes. it's surprisingly a decent friendship as some of them go. i've heard of worse. and i even got leftovers to take home for a possible lunch. it's a sad existence, but sometimes your company must be sacrificed for the dire needs of sustenance. tonight some guy that we knew through slight slight passing picked up the tab just because we were "babes". as long as there is that thin line between whoring yourself and gracing others with your company i think this form of survival will suffice. a girl's gotta eat. it's just a highly decadent form of reciprocity. maybe not quite like those die hard socialites who sleep around for apartments and limousines but, just giving the good graces of your "wonderful countenance". meh, it's what works.

speaking of which i am glad that shenni has returned from LA. she is a good compadre to have in the hellfire of that which is greeley. i would probably have gone on a grotesque killing rampage with an AK-47 armed with a machete to sever the heads of my victims long ago. if shenni (or brian too for that matter even though he's good naturedly optimistic) were not there.... did i mention the machete?

love astrology is not going well i'm afraid. two friends are dealing with close friendships/relationships turned rotten both by the other parties inabilities to risk goodness in the sake of true companionship. on the plus side shenni has date number one with man she stalked for a year. yeay! hopefully that'll pull the equilibrium's energy to a more even tone for everyone. why can't everyone just be good to one another?

gay clubs for fag hags: what a dream

2005-01-07T04:53:00.000-08:00

went to the gay club tonight. apparantley it's called dream. who woulda thunk? had a splendid time. danced with some splendidly attractive fellows who have no interest whatsoever in my vagina at all, saw some guys i knew from being a local fag hag, and further instilled my post as gay pimpess and ultimate fag hag by befriending a wonderful fellow and introducing to him and his friends to all my friends. hopefully i can set him up with my main "sweetheart" because the other guys were ania's and i don't really care about her boys as much as i do mine. well that's not true but they're leaving town for college soon. and, even danced with a straight boy who i forget his name but got down and gritty in the grinding and realized that dancing with gay boys is way more fun. better dancers, not so grabby. went to village inn with our new friends and had ourselves a splendid splendid time. i usually don't fall for gay guys but unfortunately i am very attracted to one particular chap who is incredibly good looking and has a great personality. god freaking damn it. really, they're ALL freaking good looking. that's where all the cute boys went. gay. and even though HIS fag hag was pretty hot and 5'9" or whatever, me and this guy got some pretty good dancing together. apparantley we have met before but i was too incompassitated to really remember. and to think that i started off this little expenditure by reading an andy warhol book about his crazy sexual gay shenangans and glamorous famous fag hags before ania and ted came to pick me up for our own little shenangans. so tired. will die soon if don't replenish body with sleep and rest feet that have danced the night away in stiletto boots. oh silly silly.

good afterning!

2005-01-06T15:33:00.000-08:00

i woke up at 2:30 today. this late rising habit i've created is starting to verge from cordial laziness to unhealthy lifestyle living. even worse i woke up with the most Bruce Lee hair you could ever imagine. and, it's not going down. there's no solving the asian hair right now. it's in that really temperamental growing out stage where it either needs to be cut or grown out to attone the "feral" asianess. considering that i have no money for the chi chi indie rock sophisticated cut neccessary to maintain the originial i will have to make do with really really ridiculous asian hair. how unfortunate. i look absolutely ridiculous.

my mom called today at about 2:45 colorado time. we had an approximate five minute conversation. this makes for about the fifth time i've spoken to her via telephone since she's left. she called in the middle of me brushing me teeth and immediately accosted me after my jumbled "hello?" if i had just woken up.
"no mom of course not, i'm just brushing my teeth"
"because you just woke up?"
"no because i'm just brushing my teeth"
she knew i was lying. some things never change. in the five minutes we talked i almost slipped my decision to audition for the piano school to her and luckily bit my tongue just in time. i don't want to make her too happy. some things really never change. and also there's a deeper fear that i'll audition and that i won't get in and then she'll be so much more disappointed in me than if she ever knew. i don't want her to be too happy but i don't want to build up her dreams to be let down and miserable either. it sounds like she's got a lot on her plate as it is now. she's already stressing about my mary kay business and if i'm doing well selling. in all honesty i can't even make the orders yet because i've forgotten my consultant id number and can't even enter the damn site. jesus christ. lately i also haven't felt like being social either so the concept of getting a "party" together to sell pink tubing of product hasn't been very appealing. it's funny how i never could conceptualize those kids who had parents that lived in another state from them. and now i'm one of those kids. it's funny how much your life can change. but, when that change happens in your life is crucial too. it's almost as if nothing changed at all. i still love my mom inspite of it all.

i plan on doing something today. maybe my laundry. maybe figuring out the third movement of the mozart sonata i am naively preparing for auditions. who do i think i am? mozart is a genius. do i dare even attempt this sonata for auditions? the clock is ticking and the reality is i don't have much choice but to learn and perfect this ridiculously hard piece. it's not like i can learn some three-movement sonata better in the same time. hopefully i don't get carpel tunnel before the auditions. and i still have a third piece to pick. christ.

snow scratch

2005-01-06T01:34:00.000-08:00

i am sitting at neil's magnificent house filled with the strange and ecclectic southern folklore art that neil's mom collects randomly from famed prisoners in arkansas or what not. this house is amazing. and apparantley a chair fell over the other day for.... NO EXPLAINABLE REASON! perhaps the chair was possesed by some superstitious improsined soul seeking out for revenge of some injustice down in the black deep south? perhaps. who knows in neil's house. right now neil is scratching and i am feeling inspired by this subculture of subversive atmosphere created by spur of the moment created-processed-music. pretty interesting scene scratching is, whoever says that scratching isn't a form of music is wrong. scratching is really just like a complicated playstation 2 version of music. you just got have the right reflexes. when it comes to all forms of music, isn't reflex some huge part of it?

tonight was another useless night in the wonderful many i am holding on to so dearly before my return to school. it's hard to imagine that i will be soon returning to my new reality that is greeley. it's hard to imagine that this culture, these people, this atmosphere i have been revelling in boulder for the last month is really just a thigment of a reality dispersed throughout the country. in true reality we have already begun our lives elsewhere and stay rooted here for so long in the sake of what is familiar or called home. and really what is home anyways? we had a bachelor dinner of the highly acclaimed chef boyardee tonight my sister, my dad, and i. things have gone down hill quality wise since my mom left and dad moved in. we all live in our own respective nests of bachelor mess and there is no two-ply toilet paper, nothing but canned foods in the cabinet.... well okay, not much has changed but just enough to notice. either way, we all sat down with our rather dismal dinners and laughed and discussed the onion in a boisterous raucous eating session. i had never felt more at home or more content. who cares what home is when the people there are always there for you?

tonight molly and i made a list of "people who are dead to us" now that break has well gone through its way. it was a little sad because between the three of us (adam was included in the expenditure) there were a lot of people. (granted that andrew took up three spots and tyler took two... some just had to be weighted more heavily than others.) we both realized this estrangement from so many people we considered as friends in high school. we hung out at kyle's tonight and realized that so many of these peoples and their scenes are so lame. half the time they're too fucking messed up to even carry a decent conversation. ridiculous. screw even knowing what's going on if you're sober. molly and i were discussing that nobody seems to enjoy just hanging out anymore with no set plans or activities worth enticing one crowd over another. why can't people just enjoy each other's good company anymore? but i think the "people who are dead to us" list did its good. it weened out the superflous and boiled down the bare essentials of people worth talking to inspite of this huge post graduation disassociation epidemic. it was another lifetime ago anyways. besides, it's all about sitting in some dude's basement listening to him scratch and writing on his computer with molly chilling in his bed with possible "hanted" ghosts lurking about. come on now.

i just enjoyed a pleasant silent snowy frosty unbearably cold drive back from boulder. what the hell is wrong with the cold? it's an absolutely miserable business that i personally do not enjoy. although i must secretly admit i do enjoy the oppurtunities of winter's clothing more so than i enjoy summer apparel. it's so much more versatile and there's so much more depth available through layers. how could you not enjoy it? but really though cold is ridiculous. i don't really bitch about the heat like i do the cold. as long as i don't get as bad as my dad who has been here for 30 years but never fails to vehemently curse the oncoming chills of winter with every profanity under the sun. the LA never dies in him i guess. i think if he could he'd rather see global warming then endure another tempermental colorado winter he'd do it in a heartbeat. either way... it was a good drive for the silence and non-existent traffic on the highway except for possible drunks which is never good, but hopefully doubtful on a wednesday (hey you never know what poor depraved souls lurk after the bars close). but sometimes there's nothing like peaceful musings in a late night drive. too bad the heat didn't kick until i was five minutes from my house. damn cold.

snow.

2005-01-05T11:45:00.000-08:00

it's snowing. i have to get out of this house at some point. i have all this shit i have to do but i probably won't do it. like, my laundry, because i haven't even attempted to bathe myself on a regular basis like a normal human being. this is a constant quandary i am often faced with. live like a disgusting yuppie hippie or just take a god damn shower every once in a while. i'll probably just end up playing piano for a while and then find a way to kill some more time like watching a movie or listen to some music in my cd collection that i haven't really really listened to yet. i should be doing something industrious considering my current status of snowed in. but i have only a number of days before i go back to the inferno so i'm going to freaking enjoy the laziness before i bury myself in school again. maybe i should actually hang out with people before i leave. but, knowing this theme of anti-socialness recurrent throughout the break i know the chances of that happening are slim to none. especially with the snow business. i live too freaking far away to just drive out and see anyone. they've got to be worth the gas.

late night reading

2005-01-05T01:49:00.000-08:00

i just finished reading fahrenheit 451. from start to finish i just read it. now. my mind has been so in need and want of literature or, anything to read really, that i literally just consumed the entire book in one sitting. it's as if my mind was an emptying palette devoid of the stuffs neccessary for its survival and has been incrementally and slightly replenished craving for more to fullfill it's insatiable hunger. on a more watered-down premise i like to think of it as that one buffy episode where the mayan mummy has to suck life out of humans so that she can continue to live. except then there's the unfortunate business of her needing to replenish the juice of human life as hers falters and she is constantly dependent on human juice to the point where she would suck the juice out of her love Xander (gasp!) for the juice of life itself.... okay. i took that analogy too far because i don't really think the co-dependency between me and books is that extreme. especially concerning life juice. i just thought it was a good episode and got a little carried away.

either way! the setting is very appropiate for fahrenheit 451 to break my literary cold spell. i just think it's amazing that this concept of a society carrying the knowledge of our history's legends and literature reveals an intuitive and sensitive perception Bradbury realized in the 1950's when culture was desensitized and glamorized by media portraying domesticated life as it should be. what is a book if not applied and interpreted and perceived to reveal the essence of human life? what is a book if not a brick to add to the greater tapestries that create culture and history as we know it? it's passed on by some form of creation that we endow in the physical from the abstractions we concoct out of life. Bradbury talks about how he re-visited the characters years later after writing the novel and he wrote one scene where faber shows montag a library of thousands of thousands of books as "pure as a twelve-year-old virgin girl's cream-white summer bedroom...i do not give them sustenance, no hope with hand or eye or tongue. they are no better than dust." man, pretty sick stuff! this is something my friend sarah was talking about when comparing the allure of literature vs. film. a book is only an object. a book only becomes literature when opened and applied in forces greater than the third-dimension to truly understand the nuances deep at hand. in a society fostered by all images that does the thinking for you true happiness, emotion, or feeling cannot be truly experienced. now i think that a good film can by far acheive all that and more but the delicate filigree in a novel's workings are undeniable. how appropiate that it's the first one i've read in like a month... or maybe a couple of weeks.... i forget now. i think the next one i'm going to read is brave new world. i seem to have a theme this year for reading apocalyptic, society is trivial, man-is-doomed-for-a-horrific-fate kind of material. and these are like the classics i never got around to reading like ender's game... or brave new world because of their pessimistic sci-fi futuristic premise which usually, i don't dig too much. meh, i think it's appropiate for my life's circumstances right now. jesus. i mean look where i live. if that's the rest of middle america? so help me god.

and, funny side comment the characters montag and faber are named after a paper company in germany and faber's a pencil company. the essential building blocks that lead to all created in some form or another! bradbury didn't even realize his subconcious had made these references until years later. how uncanny eh?

and speaking of strange references apparantley my dad had the oppurtunity to play frisbee wih ray bradbury back in the fifties when his friend had a writer uncle who was friends with the guy. it never happened but it's kind of funny to think about the first hand generational passed down semblances of incidental occurances such as mentioned in the book. man! i'm that chick who's dad almost played frisbee with ray bradbury. far out.

unbelievable

2005-01-04T17:20:00.000-08:00

so, the so-called advancement of technology sucks. i was starting to question whether the world wide web of technology was a good outlet of my musings of the day concerning whatever emotional griefs was a good idea and my computer just answered me. don't invest too much of your self into a computer otherwise it WILL crash and erase parts of your soul with it. never under estimate the resourceful and more stable utensils of pen and paper. jesus god.

huzzay!!!!

2005-01-04T13:58:00.000-08:00

brevity

2005-01-02T23:33:00.000-08:00

i am at peace with the world tonight. constancy is the force of change everpresent in our lives. shit is thrown at you, then more shit, then some more shit, and then the entire mantra of all that could possibly embody shit figuratively and literally speaking (ahem ahem greeley) is thrown to envelope you in more shit. there are people that are miserable in this world, and there are by far miserable people as well... but, really, the world is ok. it does terrible things to people who don't deserve them but sometimes all that we have in this world is what we receive from it and it's what we receive that we have to work with. it's going to be ok.
tonight's little late night epiphanies are all due to the fated visit of wonderful dear david who came to watch movies tonight. he is the best example of the world giving the worst shit you could give a person and the best example of the world finally giving him the happiness he so duly deserves. if david found happiness in this cruel world anyone can. he's living proof. there's hope yet.
i'm feeling really pensive so i think tonight's introversion will be amplified by a shattily off the cuff poem written by yours truly!

David's Proclamations

Computer screen glows
Reveals a goldened eye
caught breathlessly,
unblithingly,
Happy.
Shrouds of darkness
lift off the fogged eye
and clarity reveals
a new Man
walking in the pristine
wonders of new Life
in Love.

post REM

2005-01-02T10:49:00.000-08:00

real quickly, i have to jot my down my dream lest it disappear into oblivion... molly and i were sketching some feral looking woman (well.. mostly molly since i'm visually arts challenged) and this woman came to life and showed us the secret to the universe. it was really banal and stupid or something like that but the end product was us defying gravity and flying around the world. this makes the second flying dream in a month which is an incredibly rare occurance considering i have flying dreams once in a couple of years or months. also it made me realize that of all the people left over break molly is going to be one of the hardest to see go because she is wonderful and incredible. if anyone in this world deserves to unblithingly happy it would be her. i think that every person should know a molly in their lives for all of molly's greatness if not for her inspiration in the subconcious to incur flying dreams.

musings at night

2005-01-02T01:07:00.000-08:00

i had a completely exhausting day running on the residual fumes i've completely used up 13 hours after waking up. it's amazing how i constantly find a way to be socially booked. constantly. even when i do my best to be reclusive and anti-social over break. it's okay though, i'm not going to complain about investing quality time with good friends who i haven't seen for awhile. it's really great people like these that make life so much more meaningful with meaningful thoughts and sentiments involved in these "time investments". really they can do so much for the self.
i visited my friend sarah today. it was the first time i've seen her all break and really about the fifth or sixth time i've seen her since summer. it was a good talk discussing these amazing workings of philosophy she's studying right now and talking about our good old repetoire in life's random moments. talking to her today made me realize the reason of my new found happiness and philanthropic outlook for everyone's lives. i've never been heartbroken before and now i have been. i've been through the misery, the bitterness, and harboring dark feelings for others and now i know it's not worth it. you can only care about the people that you love unconditionally. with unconditional love comes unconditional forgiveness. maybe i don't really neccessarily "forgive" andrew, basically he's just kind of a an immature dick who doesn't know what he wants and fucked up badly with people's emotions, but really, it's nothing i did. i just finally put down my guard that i have put up for every other relationship in fear of being hurt and gave unconditionally. and so the one guy i did that for turned out to be a dud and really obviously didn't care, but hey, i know what heartbreak is now. and since i know true heartbreak now i can leave this experience a little wiser from it. i realize that i'm not emotionally invincible. i am vulnerable to being hurt and that's ok. everyone goes through it at some point or another. it's just another facet to the multitude of emotions that quells the existence of humanity. so andrew is out of my life, and he won't try to come back like so many before him (like so many STILL before him), but i have to accept that. and i think i'm okay with that.
i'm really sad that everyone's starting to leave again for college. it means that my time to return to the odious stench of greeley is drawing near. oh god. oh god. coming back from a semester in greeley back to the wonderful ambiance of boulder and its good people has been this huge epiphany of self-identity for me: i've realized that i'm an artist. ~gasp!~ there, i've said it. i don't know what medium of it i'm supposed to pursue or if i'm neccessarily talented enough but i do know one thing: i was never destined for an office job. i kind of feel like this experience is definately somewhat parallel to a closet coming out case. i've known it my whole life but the actual realization and admittance to it is life changing. it's like, great, i've officially destined myself to a life of financial ruin, potential incompetence issues resulting in constant depression, a manic lifestyle to suit my manic friends... everything i kind of experience now. maybe hopefully if i'm smart enough i can get good enough and not fall into this category of the archetypal anguished tortured artist. and also there's this depressing thought of being some predestined mediocre artist with a fall back plan of an... english minor? grrreat. i really don't know what i'm supposed to do with that realization but i feel like it's kind of noticing the sky really IS blue for the first time. it's pretty phenomenal but so blatantly obvious that nothing is neccessarily changed by making such an epiphany, and, you kind of feel like an idiot for conciously making such an obvious observation in the first place. so much for 21st century journey of self-discovery. i don't even know what the journey should even BE.
on a happier note i had a great coffee session with my dad. it was a little strange. we went to the ihop in the local broomfield area and i got to see the place where everyone knew my dad's name. i felt like a social alien. i don't know how i've become so distanced from people who lived no less than two blocks from me, but i walked in there and felt like this other-worldly creature walking into a subculture of broomfieldians. i know that i grew up here but who the fuck are these people? i walk in there and they knew i'm out of place too. our waiter came and talked about some "chicano" party he was going to hit up after he so politely asked my dad to join on multiple occasions. i didn't even know what to say. i guess that the gang mall-culture probation deal is so not my scene.
lunch date tommorrow. with ex-quasiboyfriend three or four. it's funny how i've never considered my first boyfriend to be nothing but tyler but i guess i had a couple of "gentleman friends" who thought a lot more of me than i did of them. titles are so lame anyways. i just feel bad when i'm obliged to these guys who for some unknown reason who want to hold on to the thin veneer of a connection we had. maybe it's just me being a completely unaware asshole but i really have no idea why some of these guys keep on trying. am i just a cold heartless bitch or are they just obsessive leeches who won't let go? both options are difficult with the former suggesting this terrible default in me which would make the situation easier if i didn't have the deep seeded suspicion of the latter. things would be so much more simple if i was just the cold heartless bitch but things become more complicated if they are the obsessed. i don't know why they are. i'm not a marilyn monroe, i'm no edith wharton, i'm definately not a jenna jameson, but i'm no mother theresa either. what the hell? it's this really big mystery of seemingly normal guys turning into strange abnormal stalkers for no explainable reason. i would really like to know someday why. hey, on the bright side, at least i don't turn them ALL gay.

attn middle aged men with mail-order brides

2005-01-01T13:49:00.000-08:00

there is inertia found in the energy of positive thinking

love in the time of insomnia

2005-01-01T11:57:00.000-08:00

today has been a good day to start off the year of 2005. subjectively speaking and objectively speaking. subjectively it's actually been kind of shitty and depressing but really, objectively, i've had to realize that the world is going to be ok and that life moves on. one thing that's helped this realization is that substance abuse makes these moments go a little faster. everyone's going through love ailments or dramas in their lives right now i feel. it's really uncanny actually. if i was an astrologer i bet i would see some correlation between the alignment of venus' third star with the vortex of jupiter's moon or something really interesting and relevant like that. but considering i'm a fundamentalist liberal agnostic i don't think my constitution can humor such fancies. you know, in that fundamentalist liberal agnostic kind of way. either way it's been the good love stories that have been keeping me going and i'm wondering if it's this philanthropic change that's taken over me. i feel like i should just be really bitter about all these happy love stories when my love life in the last couple of months has just been a succession of tortured rejections one after the other. but really i genuinely want people to be happy because no one deserves to be otherwise. like my friend shenni's epic, and i mean epic event with the man that she's been voyeuristically (yet harmlessly) obsessed with for the last year has been possibly the best news i have heard in a long time. my friend david's new girlfriend which he is head over heals for and most definately in love with has been one of the highlights of my breaks. and i'm absolutely crushed that my friends molly and tom can't be together for whatever reasons tom can't get his act together and make a risk for something that would be so good and amazing. and then there are those people that just deserve happiness and they keep on getting screwed over by cupid's shotty arrows. god damn it serendipity! get your act together! sometimes though the most important thing is that the people you love are being loved properly. that's all that matters. but on that note, what is up with all these idiot peoples in the world paired up with idiots just like themselves? i guess it's true that the idiot mass population breeds like 95 percent of the selection out there. so statistically speaking that leaves good interesting people worth dating slim to none. sometimes I just want to have a loft in new york city and be rich and glamorous and be constantly surrounded by the intellegensia of the world's most sophisticated creators and take on random lovers like sandra cisneros and write amazing poetry that would be hailed across the highest circles as pure brilliance. of course the setting reality is probably more accurately portrayed by me in a two-bit apartment with my artist friends poor and starving writing shitty poetry that refuses to be published. so is the fate of the musician turned poet.

disclaimer: i really haven't been sleeping again which is starting to slightly disturb my non-sensical mind. all time has been officially miconstrued into this large conglomerate rambling that makes up most of the content in these blogs. it may be 1 40 pm in the after noon but it might as well as be 4 in the morning because this is when i should be sleeping. but unforunately i have this damn mary kay appointment soon that i have no idea what i'm doing. nor do i really care. this is just me rambling and rambling and procrastinating the fact i should be figuring out what the hell i'm going to do for this stupid "follow-up facial". and the fact that i am not accustomed to "blog" formatting and etiquette of "blog" writing contributes heavily to shitty blog entries. sorry. to the three people who even know about this blog.

hung over twelve hours later

2004-12-29T23:51:00.000-08:00

so i'm sitting here further adding to my insomnia and also feeding the need of complete dorky reclusiveness by adding to the blog again. how unfortunate. my body completely and totally hates me for not replenishing it with water after going through complete toxification and being active throughout the day and not sleeping off the nausea. i wasn't aware that the body could even BE hung over twelve hours after waking. god damn. and now i'm sitting here trying to will myself to go to bed but instead, i feed this completely random transformation into computer loserdom and write in this blog. god damn. shouldn't redundancy like this be a total sign? recap: insomniac, hung over, but writing in blog. fragmented sentences abound. no sense is allowed. alright so the rhyming officially took it too far. i'm out.

language gauge

2004-12-28T18:04:00.000-08:00

so, i'm pretty glad that today was my last day working at the bamboo shop with the crazy chinese lady. i found that i was starting to speak in broken english. "i get vase over there?" christ. maybe it's just my brain trying it's hardest to communiate in the only way possible. i really have no idea. all i know was that i was fondly looking over the railing from the second story down to the first when she was speaking to me for two and a half hours. speaking of which i've been doing that a lot in greeley too. looking fondly down at the ground from extreme heights such as buildings, or through windows. i call it groundsfigo. i know i'm not suicidal fundamentally speaking but sometimes the random inclination to end it all off a building seems really appealing as soon as the greeley air wafts in. right now though i'm pretty excited because my friend brian and i are going to recreate this amazing surreal experience we had last year in denver eating really really bad chinese food and smoking cloves. i'm pretty damn excited, i'll be able to catch up on his life and i can catch him up on my pathetic drama and he'll actually have the insight to give me the full emotional response appropiate for the pathetic drama. it's nice having friends that totally care and feel for you in your low times. it really really is. well, maybe that's just brian's amazing gift to this world: his capability of being one of the best friends you'll ever have.
tommorrow is my mary kay debut party. i think. i haven't actually heard back from my sales director on whether or not she's coming and the house is a complete catastrophe right now since my mom left. i am right now drinking milk out of a soup bowl. meh, it's what works. there are dirty dishes everyhwere, shit everywhere... i can't remember the last time the house was this messy. it's another reason my mind can't comprehend seven or eight girls coming over to have a facial in my home. it's going to totallyburst this bubble (or nest, whatever you prefer) of isolation that i've created here. and i just made a lunch date tommorrow at 2 so cleaning this stye is going to be a really interesting expenditure. basically i'll probably just end up throwing shit in boxes 10 minutes before everyone is supposed to show up. i've realized that i'm this complete life- living procrastinator that skims through the suface of such neccessities as bathing, cleaning, dusting in compensation of reading a book, writing, or playing piano or whatever. this whole living artistically essentially just consumes my everyday lifestyle where i wallow in my filth because changing that would cramp my artistic living otherwise... if that makes sense. the only reason i would make an effort to clean would be in the case of people coming to my house and god damn it i really don't want some peppy mary kay woman coming to my house and totally harshing my groove left and right.

an aforementioned thought process

2004-12-28T02:48:00.000-08:00

it's 3:53 am on a ...... monday or tuesday morning. or is it sunday? i've regressed back into the strange nocturnal clutches of insomnia and its deprecating sleep patterns so i basically have no clue anymore what day it is much less what month. either way, it's late and i've just finished practicing on the piano after making the monumental decision that i'm going to audition for the piano school at unc. i feel that this is all the more monumental considering that my break has entailed an all encompassing theme of reclusiveness and self isolation in apprehension of returning back to school. i basically haven't even conceptualized the process of going back to school yet and i figured that it would just take the same suit as i how first came: i woke up late this one fated day and thought to myself "shit, i have to pack and move to college today." Strangely enough i feel this piano decision has been the highlight of the break. it's been the one tiny spark of reason to return to greeley. i've been suffering from severe college envy with all my friends that have come back from their liberal arts schools where the slogan of the town doesn't curtail "fresh cow pie" and hail Garth Brooks as musical deity and cultural idol. jesus god. their friends, their love interests, and a whole network of life established in these respective schools are illustrated so vividly for me that i feel i know these people and their lives as well. i am so deeply deeply happy for all of them it's a little unnerving. i feel that maybe it's a little voyeuristic too. or maybe i just realize that high school wasn't all that great and that i wouldn't go back to it, and i never could or should because it's a time and place that we have grown out in four years in rite of passage. it just seems that nothing is going right in my life right now. even the cup of hot cocoa i just made has been ruined by my careless attention to the now scalded tasting milk i "simmered" for 10 minutes. is burned milk a health concern?it's never good to fuck with milk in my experience seeing as how you never know what it'll do to you. but really, about this whole greeley thing i just feel that it brings out this milquetoast side of my existence where nothing interesting flourishes in my creativity except this stifled and suppressed angsty depression. i have no interest or passion whatsoever in classical voice and i actually enjoy practicing the pianos instead of wincing painfully upon hearing my voice. i really have no clue what i'm supposed to do with my life. maybe i'll just take up a non descript liberal arts major that everyone does like psychology or something like that and attempt to pursue a somewhat normal career. either way this has been a really nonsensical lethargic rant about the ailments of life. i feel that lately my whole life has been characterized by constant ranting. if they had a career for ranting about complete useless bullshit in your life.... well, we'd probably have a society of a lot of pessmism.