mother tongue

english wasn't really my first language. it was a combination of chinese and english that first formulated the cohesive word structuring formulated in my impressionable brain. when i was four and lived in hong kong for three months i spoke it fluently. i then came back to school and excelled in the english language. sometimes i wonder if this is a reason why i'll stutter every now and then. i wonder if my brain is still skipping some cognitive groove filled by its chinese counterpart trying to compute.

i wrote an email to my mom in response to one she sent a month ago. i was cleaning out my mailbox filled with self-help-inspirational-female-empowerment bullshit from my mary kay sales director when i found an email from my mom that i had forgotten about. i realized i haven't thought much about her since she left. it hasn't really saddened me nor delighted me in any way. it just is.

i wrote to her about my life, life in greeley, life in general. it was a simple discretion into my life in the last four months. and i realized that the basic events and thoughts of my life could be packaged into four pleasant paragraphs. this pleasant packaging is probably all that my mom will ever know of me. but this is ok for both her and me. it is the extent of our relationship. i realized that she was a good mother and that i loved her. i don't resent her, and i bear no emotional baggage lashed out for my mother. in spite of myself or her i turned out relatively functional in society. maybe that's all a chinese parent can ask for.

i'm definately in an existentialist nihilistic world. the world is as it exists now. sometimes there is nothing more to ask for.