how people suck

tonight was a very unsettling and infuriating night. i have just come back from a two hour study session that really should have been half an hour. it was the same music lit and styles crew that in spite of suffering through last semester with last minute completion of papers, studying, and projects miraculously passed sufficiently with B's. tonight was much much worse. my friend and her incredibly vapid roomates took up about 3/4's of tonight's conversation concerning their vapid stories about their vapid lives. "oh yaaa, we were sooooo tanked." i realized that last semester i found this meaningless banter somewhat amusing. i have nothing against substance abuse seeing as how i partake in the scene as well and conversation was always easy because it solely existed on the incidents that took place the inebriated night before. "oh yaaaa sue you were soooooo trashed, let me tell you what jill did". there were always new adventures, so there was always new conversation to talk about. i took these friendships with a grain of salt as i figured that these really were nice girls. just different. i realized that i must be more accepting because i'm probably not going to find more like-minded people. but then tonight, while sitting on the couch for an hour listening to the mind numbingly idiotic stories of these girls ridiculous escapades while congratulating each other on their ostentatious burping and flatulating, i realized that i wanted little do with their company. after a couple of weak feigned smiles i stopped completely and gave up any attempts for a lame attempt of being amiably sociable. i thought, why am i so difficult? why am i so anti-social, why can't i just smile and have fun with these.... people. but then i thought, according to christianity nice, good-meaning, peaceful people can go to hell while rapists, murderers, bigots, liars, and hypocrites are offered passage into heaven. under the right circumstances of redemption of course. but i figure, if God can be so fickle and demanding, why the hell can't i?

i don't know why greeley has turned me into such a hardened asshole. i would just rather not talk to anyone sometimes so as to cut the losses of being let down. people have been a serious let down. perhaps my expectations are too high, but nearly everyone i've met in greeley has in some way been disappointing. i don't even care to smile or make small talk anymore. and i think i just wrote off the few people i socialized with up here. this is a dangerous exposure that will probably put me farther into this most likely self-destructive reclusive and anti-social state i am spiraling down.