if anyone noticed, this blog died awhile ago. apparantly some time in february. february 24th of 2005 to be exact. adieu.

how i obviously stopped caring

i had a very frank experience with my voice teacher just now copping out on his voice studio. as of right now there are approximately 12 or so people sitting in a stuffy hot room listening to an out of tune steinway and sons grand piano accompanying the various students of the martell studio. currently i am sitting in my room doing absolutely nothing. but at least i am doing absolutely nothing on my accord. it makes me very happy.

the manner in which i "copped" out was pretty blatantly obvious. at exactly five (which was the predetermined time i planned on leaving for "my reasons") i began to gather my things for this infamous exodus. as martell saw me gathering my things he asked me if i wanted to sing. i promptly responded with a "no" and then added, "but if sabrina sings i'll play for her". this was the whole tomato deal. and so i played. and so i left 15 minutes after "i had to really really go". martell commented something on how one day he plans on getting me to sing for one of those things and i snorted and thought to myself, fat chance. then i left.

my indifferent behavior would probably be more justifiable if i was actually practicing for my impending piano audition that will take place in a week at 9 am. if that was the case i really wouldn't have to care about my future in voice. maybe i should study some theory. maybe i should get a new major.

i wrote some poetry last night. it sucked. watched american splendor last night. it was splendid. i felt even more insignficant about my life than i had before. got an 87 and a 95 on my piano makeup exams. this averages to a B with the seven point grading system. i woke up in my aural class today to realize that i had no idea what was going on. nor did i care. i feel as if i've died but i still have to keep on living in this dead zone. if you call that life. it's gotten better. i'm more accustomed. the serverity of miserable no longer pushes me to vehemently fight. i just exist. a very very empty shell kind of existence. i've said it before but i'll say it again with complete resignation: milquetoast.

am i even awake right now?

i can't explain today.i have no clear comprehensions of any of today's events. perhaps the only words to describe it would be stupor and snow. i slept in a stupor. i threw some shoes at my snoring roomate during the night in a stupor. i got three hours of sleep in a half-awake stupor. i got out of bed in a stupor. i looked at the blizzard outside in a stupor.for ten minutes. i walked to class in the snow in a stupor. i took a test in a stupor. i looked at the snow and drank some coffee in a stupor. i watched some kid practice for his piano senior recital in a stupor. i sat in class looking out the window at the snow in a stupor. i walked to lunch in the snow in a stupor. i stared out the window looking at snow in a stupor. while eating. i realized i haven't gone to school in the last week. i am so behind. but i have no idea what's going on because i'm in a constant stupor. i think i'm going to practice piano. in a stupor of course. i have no idea what's going on today. snow. stupor. do people exist here? where the fuck am i? my room... right... in greeley.... god.... someone help me. i need a stiff drink. at least then i'll be in a sloppy stupor in the snow.

monday. is. gross.

today is the 14th day of the second month in the two thousand and fifth year since the birth of christ. or the coming era whichever you prefer. both refer to jesus existing so i figure folks should be able to handle the shortened acronym, but you know! whatever freak-ass-political-correct-anal-retentive people.... this has nothing to do at all with i wanted to talk about... i apologize....

i sat down for lunch at tobey kendel today. i went ahead of my choir companions to get us a table. i sat down and started eating. after a couple of minutes i looked around and i realized that for the time being i was a girl eating alone at the cafeteria. this breaks every norm of typical social conduct. i was shocked at the response i was getting from a couple of people around me. one kid from my hall gave me a sympathetic look of pity and i smiled back. why the hell should i care? even if i was eating alone i should be able to do as i damn well please. eventually though the minutes slowly wrenched by and i became suddenly aware of myself and incredibly anxious for my companions to join me. by the time they did my silently inquisitive audience had left, and no one knew for the better. dorm life is a combination of assisted living and middle school social ethics. miserable.

my dad has a pretty interesting column titled dick bites on this weird site where i still have yet to figure out its agenda. this week's column was titled Val In Tard's Day. it's basically just about dating as a middle aged man in suburban america. it's a little autobiographical. but its surprisingly hip for discussing middle aged obscenely obsese women and all that is trite with the scene. it's a pretty original column concerning the context of a the baby boomer generation co-existing outside of the younger X generation (well i guess we're like z now or something aren't we) explicitly recounting the bizarre emotional sexcapades of desperate housewives. it's pretty out there. then i realized that this was my dad and i was pretty proud. somehow i feel that explains a lot about me. i'm probably even more toned down.

well anyways, today is valentine's day. happy valentines day to all of you whom i love dearly and always! you're the best valentines a girl could ask for.

oxygen = bliss

i found a new high today in the labyrinths of boulder's odd end hidden shops: the oxygen bar. who would have thought that such lovely euphoria would come from concentrated air through plastic nose tubing and overstuffed sofas in dimly lit rooms? lovely. another beneficiary of oxygen is that it's apparantley incredibly good for you. high levels of pure oxygen in the body alleviates the buildup toxins and other impurities put in our bodies due to environment, smoking or whatever. it can help reduce the risk of cancer and other forms of human maladies. i suppose that anything helps reduce cancer and anything causes cancer, but not anything can't hurt. when leaving the bar the world was clearer, beautiful, pristine, and perfect. shenni and i walked out like newborns onto pearl street. i could see every single detail on the stone beneath in me and every single speck of bark in the trees above me. my senses weren't altered to the point of paranoia and i didn't think i was capable of flying off of high buildings either. it was a good fade. the world was still what it was as it was. just nicer.

shenni brought up the interesting conjecture concerning people in pre-pollution times. did they always breathe like we just did for 20 minutes for twelve bucks a pop? were they this happy? was the world this beautiful to them? i suppose in all honesty judging by history's accounts, for the most part, many of the working/lower class didn't exactly get to smell life's roses under hierarchal oppression. so, did people a) really suffer more inspite of concentrated oxygen intake? or b) has history misconstrued the actual psychological reprecussions of these peoples? either people suffered absolutely deplorable conditions or accepted their lot in life on a placid oxygenated level. i know i couldn't think of a straight answer with the haze of o2 in my veins. i believe it would have been difficult for any heavily oxygenated erudite to contemplate.

we also contemplated the validity in religious science. (the crazy church that pays shenni obscene amounts of money for an hours of worth of the same three repeated songs every weekend). they argue that if your mind is in the right place in the universe, you are on the same wave paths of God. this is how you get prime parking spots. upon entering pizza colore we found ourselves in the presence 28 young,attractive, intelligent, athletic, polite, and well-behaved men gathered for some elite athletes honor dinner. we were the only women save for two much much older adult women heading the event. we were in heaven. good luck like that never happens. only under the combined magic of oxygen and boulder's wonderful mystique can this happen. and maybe, just maybe we were on the same wave paths with GOD. i'm aiming for those parking spaces next.

i realized it's a good thing i live an hour away from this oxygen bar. the setting of the bar, the effects of the oxygen are just all so enticing. i can see this becoming the equivalence of an opium-esque like addiction. i figure once a week will do.

jesus gah!!!

all i want to fucking do is take a fucking nap. for 15 fuckin minutes. my fucking roomate is fucking watching the absolute idiotic mind numbing babble of television. i am going to FUCKING BURST!!!! i'm sick too and i can't even sleep in my OWN FUCKING ROOM. fucking christ. fucking FUCKING CHRIST.